Friday, July 29, 2005

The Mind is a Terrible Thing to Taste

I think it's fairly safe to say that I Am Matthew, a Department-affiliated site of timeless (some would say limited) appeal, is one of the weirder blogs on the hypernet. Part coming-of-age drama, part deranged road-trip-of-the-mind, its dense first person narrative tells the touching and tragic tale of a misunderstood and deeply disturbed naif, desperately searching for love and meaning in a world indifferent, indeed often hostile, to his unique obsessions and autoerotic urges. What begins as the somewhat scatalogical but otherwise unremarkable wank-diary of our wheelchair-bound protagonist soon devolves into a dark maelstrom of twisted psychosexual despair, all told in a bizarre perversion of the English language that can only be described as "Mattyspeak" - a constantly mutating series of tics and outbursts possessing its own skewed syntactical laws and internal logic.

(Yeah okay, so this is a plug, so what? Go on have a look already.)

One of the most remarkable things about the site, however, is the sitemeter - specifically, the record of search engine terms that bring in the traffic. The people who find themselves blindly stumbling from the likes of Google onto the pages of I Am Matthew are, to put it mildly, some really sick fucks.

Consider Exhibit A, below: a list of keyword searches for the last few weeks - I've highlighted a couple that I found particularly noteworthy.

You'll no doubt be delighted to learn that "eyecum" tops the charts every single goddamn time. Who in the name of christ are these people? Who asks Yahoo when they are going to die? Who thinks their mom's cock is nice? And, good lord, the less said about that gaping anus the better...

While ordinary, decent folk like you and I are understandably unsettled by the knowledge that these sort of people exist - and what's more, are web-enabled - I can console myself with the thought that Matty himself (now sadly deceased) would have taken great comfort in all of this.

It turns out you weren't so alone out there after all, Matt.