Tuesday, April 18, 2006

Ridiculous Asshole News

Australian Creationist Hosts Genius Convention

Bishop Wayne Malcolm, leader of the Christian Life City church in Hackney, east London, disputes the scientific evidence for evolution. "There is clearly an absence in the fossil record for intermediate levels of development. If a frog turned into a monkey, shouldn't you have lots of fronkies?"

Well, it’s hard to argue with a quip like that, but I note it’s not a new one.
The Book of Genesis tells us that everything was created by God—nothing "evolved." Every creature was given the ability to reproduce after its own kind as is stated ten times in Genesis. Dogs do not produce cats. Neither do cats and dogs have a common ancestry. Dogs began as dogs and are still dogs. They vary in species from Chihuahuas to Saint Bernards, but you will not find a "dat" or a "cog" (part cat/dog) throughout God’s creation. Frogs don’t reproduce oysters, cows don’t have lambs, and pregnant pigs don’t give birth to rabbits. God made monkeys as monkeys, and man as man.

The Living Waters site features other killer arguments, which are apparently meant to be taken seriously. Like this:

The banana -- the atheist's nightmare

Note that the banana:

1. Is shaped for human hand
2. Has non-slip surface
3. Has outward indicators of inward content:
Green-too early,
Yellow-just right,
Black-too late.
4. Has a tab for removal of wrapper
5. Is perforated on wrapper
6. Bio-degradable wrapper
7. Is shaped for human mouth
8. Has a point at top for ease of entry
9. Is pleasing to taste buds
10. Is curved towards the face to make eating process easy

Christ!


EXTRA!

SUPER BONUS RIDICULOUS ASSHOLE UPDATE!



George W Bush gives us the skinny on presidentin':

"I hear the voices, and I read the front page, and I know the speculation. But I'm the decider, and I decide what is best"
Great stuff. Anybody wanna shop any more assholes?

10 Mewling Pricks

At 1:57 pm, Anonymous Captain Handspank ejaculated...

Oi! Links not working...

 
At 2:14 pm, Blogger Hugs O'Toole ejaculated...

OH HOLY FUCK NO!!!!

Fixed. Please enjoy your enhanced Department of Hate experience.

 
At 12:40 am, Anonymous Captain Handspank ejaculated...

Thank u Mr O'toole. Although having read the atheist test, I'm not sure it was worth it?

 
At 1:16 am, Blogger Binty McShae ejaculated...

Technically a banana isn't actually ripe until it's blackened. We just generally prefer to eat them alightly under-ripe.

By definitions 1, 2, 7 and possibly 10 I would have thought a lot more creationists would have been willing to go down on me...

 
At 11:22 am, Blogger 01-811-8055 ejaculated...

Jeeesus wept! That banana argument is awesome!

The next revelation: "My house has walls, windows, lockable doors, a roof, central heating, electric light and hot & cold running water. It's ideal for me to live in, therefore God must have designed it!"

 
At 11:37 am, Anonymous Barry Bananas ejaculated...

My anus is perfectly shaped to accommodate penises (or so my boyfriend tells me).

There goes your anti-gay marriage argument.

 
At 12:04 pm, Anonymous Captain Handspank ejaculated...

Seems a bit rich as well that God made such a wonderous fruit and then He made it grow only in tropical parts of the world. What about us poor saps who live in a bloody temperate climate, eh? What have we got? Fucking ROUND apples, and non-colour changing carrots.

 
At 12:25 pm, Blogger Snotty McShot ejaculated...

Good point, Cap'n. But it ain't all utilitarian fruity goodness in the hotter climes. Fucking pineapples, man.

Binty: I think there's definitely an argument for point 8 applying, and, in my case of my own apparatus at least, point 9 also.

Additionally, point 3 has merit: don't be going near them green cocks.

 
At 7:13 pm, Anonymous Captain Handspank ejaculated...

Whats the bibles stance on eating meat, by the way? Last I remember it was pretty in favour...in which case why does it come in a fucknobbingly unconvenient biting, shiting, fur covered wrapper that runs away whenever you try to lure it closer with a handy over-ripe banana? It's hardly up there with the easy-open Tetra Pak juice carton in the design stakes is it? Eh?

 
At 3:58 pm, Blogger HST ejaculated...

Since when is "decider" acceptable in ANY form of english?!?! I HATE this man.

 

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