Tuesday, August 15, 2006

Thoughts on Animal Welfare

A Proposal

So I was sitting on the can earlier thinking about the terrible plight of animals worldwide and it occurred to me that, while humans may continue to make improvements in the way we treat animals, the problem mainly stems from the way that we view animals vis-à-vis ourselves. And that will not change unless we stop crapping in little cubicles.

Since the second world war, during which, studies later estimated, only 15-20% of soldiers actually fired their weapons at the enemy, American military planners have recognised that in order to get your soldiers to kill you must encourage them to view the opposing force as less than human. The opposite is true for the relationship between homosapiens and the rest of the animal kingdom, but the principal is the same: in order to justify our cruelty we must de-animalise ourselves.

Clearly, for real change to occur it is necessary for this state of affairs to be tackled directly. This is why I am proposing, to Peta or the WWF or whoever, the following two-pronged campaign strategy for 2007:

1. We will lobby for the cubicles in all public buildings must be dismantled. No more shall we deny our essential identities as members of the animal kingdom, and no longer shall we be allowed to hide our basic bodily functions in shame. This will force us to confront the disgraceful dichotomy between the respect that we afford our own species and the lack of same that our brethren in the "non-cubicled" animal kingdom have suffered under for so long.

2. We will campaign, by way of petition, for a new UN resolution which will officially recognise human beings as pissing, shitting animals.

Alternatively, we could run a "Cubicles for Cattle" campaign, maybe, or at least get the other animals some trousers. Whatever, I haven’t worked out all the details yet, but in any case I am proud to be able to count myself as the first to add my name to this campaign.

Will you join me?

9 Mewling Pricks

At 9:13 pm, Anonymous David Duff ejaculated...

Reluctantly, because I am, of course, constantly seeking my feminine side, I think that if I were forced to watch you and/or 'Snotty' 'straining at the bar', I think I would shoot the pair of you without hesitation, but only, I hasten to add, for aesthetic reasons which makes it alright, doesn't it?

At 10:42 am, Blogger Snotty McShot ejaculated...

You know, Duff, there's something comforting about the fact that you are becoming an increasingly repulsive and reactionary asshole with each passing day. I think of you sitting there, the stale urine odours wafting from the old stains in your brown trousers, as you pound the dust from the arm of your chair with your palsied claw in the last throes of a tragic and impotent rage.

After the sobbing subsides, you gather yourself briefly and zimmer over to the keyboard to deposit yet another faded melancholy facsimile of your long passed youthful machismo, now subsumed in liver-spotted folds and incontinence.

It's depressing, or at least it would be if you weren't such a cunt.

At 11:16 am, Blogger Larry Teabag ejaculated...

Yes Hugs, I will join you. I think it's the best idea I've heard today.

At 11:21 am, Blogger Hugs O'Toole ejaculated...

Lar: "I think it's the best idea I've heard today"

Really? In that case I'd be interested in hearing the others.

At 2:15 pm, Anonymous David Duff ejaculated...

'Snotty', have you got me bugged? That was too accurate for comfort!

(Actually, as rants go that was a corker which made me laugh out loud. Well done!)

At 8:33 am, Blogger 01-811-8055 ejaculated...

Admirable, but do you really want to see and smell my five pints and a chinese takeaway fuelled shit as it drops from my arsehole?

I don't think you do.

At 8:40 am, Blogger Hugs O'Toole ejaculated...

Well, 01, nobody ever said this was going to be easy. We all have to make sacrifices. In fact, I haven't even mentioned that in order for this to be consistentwe have to have unisex shitting.

At 12:32 pm, Blogger 01-811-8055 ejaculated...

Unisex shitting. Hmm.

Should such a thing ever become the norm, one of my business ideas goes down the pan. So no, I don't agree.

At 8:06 pm, Anonymous John Brissenden ejaculated...

For fuck's sake, McShot, if this is what happens to the Department when there's a ceasefire, I'll send a pizza to the IDF.


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