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"Thank you for calling technical support. Please select from the following options; for software, hardware or telephony, please dial 1; for assistance with enterprise applications please dial 2; for printer support please dial 3; if you would like to speak to a real live human, please dial 4; if you have lost the will to live and would like to kill yourself, please hold the phone tightly to your ear and press 5 for a lethal charge of high voltage mains electricity; To hear these options again in the same patronising tone, please stay on the line."