Monday, February 20, 2006

The Gayest Blogger on the Internets

The furore over the Danish cartoons has, along with acres of bogus "Clash of Civlisations" editorials, occasionally resulted in some really interesting and inciteful pieces. Few of these managed to top the deep analysis and culturally sensitive musings of Partisan Pundit:

I find myself wondering what would happen if these riots caught hold here? I have this image of a Korean shopkeeper on the roof of his store with a bulletproof vest and a .308. Next door is a black guy who owns a barber shop wielding a Mossberg in one hand and a meat cleaver in the other. A pissed-off muslim rioter cocks back a molotav, and suddenly a large exit wound blossoms in the middle of his back, as the pungent smell of gunpowder residue fills the air. Three, four more fall, and suddenly, rioting in the streets loses its luster. Defending Mohammed's honor against a cartoonist's scribbles suddenly seems less important than avoiding a face full of double-ought buckshot. A rock flies through a display window, and almost like a ricochet, an angry retired fire-fighter comes flying back out swinging a Louisville Slugger like to put a smile on Babe Ruth's face.

Beautiful. Inspired by PP's mastery of the issues, I took a look around his website to see what other gems I could unearth. Here, I was heartened to find that he has dealt with similar issues previously, and with the same thoughtful, rational prose:

The Black Community's attempts to be viewed with any degree of compassion or intellectual equality on the national stage is certainly not in any measure enhanced by the repeated actions of select portions of its constituency wilding through middle-class businesses like a bunch of Somali thugs hyped up on kat, careening through neighborhood streets in the back of technicals.

Guys, my fellow Americans of color, a word of advice from whitey: If you want us to listen to you like rational human beings, STOP BURNING SHIT DOWN. Stop throwing off the oppressive yoke of civilization at every hint of social instability.


Here's a newsflash for the Rainbow Coalition: If you smash in MY storefront, you’ll get a 12-guage welcome. Not because I’m behaving like a racist, but because YOU are behaving like a raving lunatic.

But from whence springs forth this well of humanity, this spiritual yearning for a better life for those who are persecuted? What fuels this one-man quest for justice and truth for those who have laboured long in the darkness? More specifically, what's the fucking story with this asshole?

My first guess would be the bullying: "People that hijack websites ... are the same ones who, in high school or the frat in college, would offer you a drink of their soda, only to find out it was the can they were using for their tobacco spit, or maybe even filled with piss". Jesus, he drank a soda can full of piss, the poor bastard. That would tend to make anybody a fucking sociopath. The experience has evidently also completely destroyed any sense of perspective, as he continues: "Ambush sites are terrorism, plain and simple. Maybe planes don't crash and burn, maybe buildings don't collapse, but the intent in the heart of the cyberterrorist is the same as any jihadist".

Are you listening to this, Mr Bush? After you are finished with al-Qaeda, PLEASE MAKE IT SO I DO NOT GET POP-UPS.

My second guess would definitely be the barely repressed homosexuality and attendant self-loathing. Partisan Pundit's writings are strongly obsessed with male sexual relationships, and he cannot decide whether he is as disgusted as The Party tells him to be or all warm and fuzzy in the crotch. In the tight-arsed and ridiculously homophobic world of right-wing bloggery this tends to result in a lot of dumb macho image reinforcement. To demonstrate, let's take a look at some of his other websites - see here, in a post in support of handbags for men, as PP wrestles with the issues:

Men need a bag, but a Manly Bag. Call it a tote. No, wait, I have it: men need a satchel. Satchels are not gay. Satchels are manly. John Wayne himself threw uncountable numbers of satchel charges into uncountable numbers of enemy pillboxes, usually doing so under a hail of murderous gunfire.

Quintessential manliness.

Even the WORD "purse" is inherently unmanly; you almost feel the need to lisp just saying it. "Satchel," on the other hand, is a virile, rugged, squinty-eyed-from-staring-into-the-desert-sun-for-too-long, fist-clenching, teeth-grittin', tear-off-a chunk-of-raw-meat-from-the-carcass-of-the-vicious-carnivore-you-just-killed-with-yer-bare-freakin'-HANDS kind of word. No lisping involved whatsoever.

Gosh. I'm getting a little hot under the collar imagining the tanned, rippling torso of rugged manly manliness conjured up by PP in this deeply erotic passage. I imagine him wearing naught but a pair of ripped jean shorts and white socks, clutching his macho manly man-satchel to his smooth, hairless chest.

Blowing my thesis out of the water, though, the same blog also features a post titled "Guys I'd Probably Like To Do If I Were Gay, Which I'm Not", a lengthy tribute to the mannish man-osity of Matthew McConaughey during which we discover that PP is definitely not gay, because he goes out of his way to tell us so, many times: "And that accent, I'm telling ya, if I was gay (which I'm not) that rolling, laid-back drawl of his would get me all a twitter. In theory, of course". Not gay, then. Got it.

PP has a third website, Don't Get Stuck On Stupid, the main page of which features the following heartbreaking farewell:

I saw myself as something of a crusader, trying to change people's minds by showing them the truth, as well as I was able. But you know what I realized? A great many people aren't interested in the truth. Changing minds is difficult when emotion is so wrapped up in a worldview that reason can't penetrate the folds.

To which he then adds, helpfully: "I'm sure I suffer to some degree from this problem, but hey". Here's some of PP's crusading truthful manliness, penetrating the folds and further establishing his unassailable lady-lovin' credentials:

Getting the icky willies at the thought of two hairy men going to town on each other's exit onlys, or getting queasy at the site of two guys playing tonsil hockey on a public park bench doesn't make me intolerant or homophobic.

It makes me heterosexual.

This is a firm admission that he is entirely adjusted to the fact that something "icky" happens to his willy whenever he kicks back and thinks about two hirsute men making sweet love to eachother. This is a sure sign of someone who is comfortable with his sexuality, and I whole heartedly apologise for ever having suggested that PP is anything other than a handbag-sporting macho racist arsehole with a soft spot for Matthew McConaughey's delectable accent.

To make it up to Partisan P for the entire tone of this post, I'll happily point out his keen scientific mind (whose ID-Evolution pieces are a veritable Algonquin round-table in the comments and feature such fiendish arguments as linking to a picture of a bacterial flagellum and saying "I mean seriously, come ON people").

Brains and brawn - quite the catch, eh ladies? Too bad he's, uh, married. What? What did you think I was going to say?

Oh, shame on you.

UPDATE: PP's obsessive internal struggle continues, as he battles to categorise everything in his life as either "gay" or "manly", as if he isn't a textbook example of the two co-existing relatively comfortably. On the "gay" list we have old favourites like "open-toed sandals", "frappucinos" and, of course, "anal sex" (apparently all anal sex is gay now), but there are a few new additions: base jumping is gay now, along with loofas and placemats. Oh, and lip balm is gay, but only if flavoured.

"Manly" stuff includes fixing the lawnmower, scratching in public and stupid bullshit like that, but because PP is over-compensating wildly we also get stuff like "claymores" and "concealed-carry". How gay do you gotta be that you need fucking weapons to reinforce your rapidly dispersing heterosexual smokescreen? Just suck a cock already, dude! It's cool, nobody gives a shit.

Let's end with a competition. See if you can guess which categories PP sorts the following into:

A. "Smashing that big freakin' spider"
B. "Cleaving Orcs in twain"

Yes that's right, both are, apparently, manly activities. Now, I'm not into this "gay/manly" game, but if I was (which I'm not), then statements about Orcs, in ye olde nerde speake, would definitely be in the GAY category. Really though, who could stand to live their life like this, constantly worrying about the gayness or otherwise of one's actions and possessions? Something's gotta give - watch this space!

30 Mewling Pricks

At 4:29 pm, Anonymous Camp Freddy ejaculated...

Where can I get me one of them butch bags?

At 5:14 pm, Blogger Larry Teabag ejaculated...

Oh... I thought the "Guys I'd Probably Like To Do If I Were Gay, Which I'm Not" was really sweet.

I'm sure that if I was gay (which I'm not), I wouldn't mind going out for an ice-cream soda with Partisan Pundit, and then who knows? Maybe back to his for coffee, and then perhaps we could make our willies get all icky together - if I was gay, that is (which I'm not).

At 1:35 pm, Anonymous David Duff ejaculated...

Sorry, but I only managed about one third of that long screed about nothing much, before I found the will to live draining from me. It reminded me of the US army's tendency to bring down divisional artillery on a sniper!

Come on, sharpen up, 'Snotty', or you'll lose me as a reader. (Yes, yes, don't bother to write it!)

At 2:16 pm, Blogger Snotty McShot ejaculated...

My apologies, 'David', I should have realised my post was a little long for a man of your advanced years. Perhaps you could take a nap for a few hours and come back to it later?

At 2:38 am, Blogger Steve B ejaculated...

I must say, I am...wait, give me sec, {{sniffle}}...deeply touched that you would expend so much time and effort to share my humble story with the world.

I felt it only appropriate, in the spirit of blog-kinship which we clearly seem to share, to return the favor.

Extra! Extra! Partisan Pundit Hits the BIGTIME!

Ass munch.

At 4:15 am, Blogger Joe ejaculated...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

At 4:18 am, Blogger Joe ejaculated...

I have been going to Partisan's blog for a while now. I am moderate to liberal. He and I debate a lot. I dont agree with him about 90% of the time. But he is a good guy, not at all like how you make him out to be. Yes, he is over the top at times...but there is usually a reason for that. If you took the time to get to know him and not just flame him, you'd see off how way off your post really is.

At 9:09 am, Blogger Binty McShae ejaculated...

Sounds like a cunt to me. To coin a phrase.

At 10:35 am, Anonymous David Duff ejaculated...

"Yes, he is over the top at times ..."

Something that could never be said of our genial host, here, at the "Department of Hate", which title, for the benefit of our American cousins, is an example of English irony even if our host is actually 'Oirish'. Nor would you ever find our host indulging in hyperbole, always succinct and to the point, he never uses big words where four-letter ones will do. It's all part of his old world charm. I'm surprised that he and 'Partisan' don't hit it off, or should I have said 'get it off', I don't know, this modern argot confuses an old chap like me.

At 2:22 pm, Anonymous Camp Freddy ejaculated...

That David Duff certainly seems to harbouring a lot of unresolved feelings towards old Snotty...

And er, Mr Duff, in the interest of being enlightened, how is the name of this blog an example of irony? It's called the Department of Hate and it's a list of hated things...?

At 2:32 pm, Blogger Snotty McShot ejaculated...

'David', I think you're finally getting it.

Steve, glad you enjoyed it, but it kind of wrote itself, in fairness. Interesting you've taken the "I've hit the big time" approach - that's a fairly common response, and confirms that pretty much all bloggers are attention-seeking whores when it comes down to it. Well, enjoy your extra half a dozen page loads.

I also liked how you changed my fake name loads of times into things like "Mr McSnot". That was hilarious and also devastating.

"As if there are only two kinds of men....those who are homosexuals, or those who wish they were

Uh, dude, I ain't sayin' that you wish you were homosexual. I'm also a little concerned that you still haven't managed to fix the fucking mower.

Anyway, good luck with all that, fella. You know you can count on the Department for emotional support and blowjob practice.

At 4:19 pm, Anonymous David Duff ejaculated...

"It's called the Department of Hate and it's a list of hated things...?"

And the post before this was on the subject of, oh dear, the "Department of Hate"!

At 4:20 pm, Blogger Snotty McShot ejaculated...

Or alternatively, in Onion speak:

"Internet's Gayest Blogger Mounts Ineffectual Defense, Men's Arses"

At 7:34 pm, Anonymous David Duff ejaculated...

"It's called the Department of Hate and it's a list of hated things...?"

And the post before this was on the subject of, oh dear, the "Department of Hate"!

(This seems not to wish to be published so I'm trying again. Sorry if I repeat myself.)

At 10:52 pm, Blogger Snotty McShot ejaculated...

Well, it was worth it in the end, Dave. Tremendous stuff.

At 11:11 pm, Blogger Steve B ejaculated...


Glad you appreciated the childish, petulant tone.

Wanted to maintain a consistent theme between the two articles, and all that.

Feel free to dash yourself against the bulwarks of my literary exudations any time.

In between swilling back flotsam-laden Oirish lager and diddling yer self with the empty bottle.

Oh damnit, I went all homo again.

Shit. Maybe you're right about me after all.

At 12:14 am, Blogger Snotty McShot ejaculated...

It's stout all the way for me, Steve, and from the tap, so there ain't no bottle.

And yeah, I think I'm right about you too. Give my regards to the missus.

At 8:27 am, Blogger Labbie ejaculated...

Holy crap... This post is gold. Solid gold. Which PP would love to wear around his left wrist in a beautiful tennis bracelet, if he was gay (which he is not).

At 2:12 am, Anonymous Anonymous ejaculated...

Does the dept. of hate, hate gays? By labeling this blogger gay, you give the impression that being gay is wrong and is something to be made fun of.

At 7:44 am, Blogger Binty McShae ejaculated...

He didn't say he hates gays. But I think he hates Partisan Pundit, straight or gay. Hating one person who is gay does not mean that he hates all gays. Indeed, I took his suggestion that PP may be gay to be derived from some un-pc comments the PP himself has made... surely Snotty is just saying that the lady doth protest too much?

At 10:17 am, Anonymous Anonymous ejaculated...

That's just it. He hates Partisan Pundit and calls him gay. Why not something else? Why signal out the term gay to insult him with. It's offensive and insulting. Would it be ok for him to call him the offensive term for black people because he doesn't like Partisan Pundit? No. So why is it ok for him to throw around the term gay?

At 10:43 am, Blogger Snotty McShot ejaculated...

Anonymous, I've been waiting for you: "Why signal out the term gay to insult him with"

Because he's a certified homophobe. Here at the Department we delicately craft the attack to match the attackee. I could have taken him to task over his opinions and politics, but that would have been less effective and more boring.

Would it make any difference to your argument if I told you I was gay? PP has suggested that I am many times, by way of devilishly clever comeback. I feel no need to respond to that because I don't consider it an insult. He, on the other hand, clearly does.

I didn't single this guy out because he's probably gay, I think that should be clear. I singled him out because he's a cementheaded racist homophobe shitheel. Suggesting that such a person may in fact be gayer than Christmas is not necessarily an attack on homosexuality. Relax, buddy.

At 9:58 pm, Blogger lucretius ejaculated...

hmmm...I would've assumed it would be "furour." Well, fuck me up the ass. Show's how much I know about British cultoure and lourning.

At 12:34 am, Blogger Snotty McShot ejaculated...

Well, you'd be on a middle england tip with that. These days though, you'd be all cosmopolitan. Like me. PLUS I AM DRUNK.

At 4:43 pm, Anonymous Camp Freddy ejaculated...

David, really am being enormously thick I know, (like you I was not blessed with a university education) but I don't understand your response to my question?

At 4:53 pm, Blogger Hugs O'Toole ejaculated...

Freddy, I've been wondering about that myself. Here's my interpretation of Dave's argument:

If the Department of Hate is, as you say, a list of hated things, and the subject of the post previous to this one was the Department of Hate, it therefore follows that the Department of Hate hates itself, resulting in some sort of space-time-continuum-destroying uber-irony.

Or something. Either that or Dave's been at the single malt again.

At 1:52 pm, Anonymous Camp Freddy ejaculated...

Ah I see. Clever. On a similar note I notice that on Mr Duff's own inestimable organ 'Duff and Nonsense', he too recently posted a story about his own site, reporting it had had 16,000 or so visitors. Following the same titular logic, this is presumably a load of bollocks then?

At 4:18 am, Blogger Steve B ejaculated...

Why is it you liberal wankers insist that because I don't bow and grovel at the feet of the homosexual agenda that I'm a "homophobe?"

And suggesting that elements of the black community doesn't do itself any favors by living down to true racist expectations makes me a racist?

I'm exhorting the gangs of vandals, who just happen to be black, to behave like civilized human beings...not behave "like white people."

It always cracks me up how quickly the "peace, love, and rainbow coalition" mouthpieces are often the quickest to spew bile at those who don't play their game.


Criticism from the likes of you is the best endorsement I could hope for.

Peace, out.

At 11:09 am, Blogger Snotty McShot ejaculated...

No no no, Pinhead Steve, you're supposed to do it like this: "Some of my best friends are black/gay/muslim/deeply conflicted closet homosexuals" etc.

Aside from that, I dunno what makes you think that a site called "Department of Hate" is anything to do with peace, love and fucking rainbows, ya fuckin' clown.

At 2:29 pm, Anonymous Camp Freddy ejaculated...

Perhaps he thinks it's an *ironic* title?


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