DUP: Dangerously Ugly Phuckers

Inspired by the news that the Reverend Dr Evil Ian Paisley's own daughter Rhonda is threatening him with a sexual discrimination suit, I thought I’d take a wee stroll down memory lane and revisit some of the Democratic Unionists Party's finest moments of the last decade or so. You might perceive a lot of gayness in this post, but I want you Freudians in the back to houl' yer wheesht. Remember, these are the creepy God-fearin' weirdos that tried to "Save Ulster From Sodomy" in the eighties, and as everyone knows, you could barely get from your house to the bus stop in Northern Ireland back then without being sodomised at least twice. So come take my hand, and join me on this nostalgic journey of sports massages, biblical smiting and unbelievably ugly cunts.

Say a big gay hello to Ballymena councillor Maurice Mills, who just this month claimed that Hurricane Katrina was sent by God to punish the homosexuals. The hurricane hit two days before the annual Southern Decadence Festival (possibly the G-Man mistakenly consulted a 2003 diary?) then proceeded to completely miss New Orleans' gay district in the French Quarter, famously taking out a shitload of black neighbourhoods instead. If he’s so angry with the gay people, then why is he taking it out on the poor black folk? Maurice? Perhaps you can shed some light on this. "This abominable and filthy practice of sodomy has resulted in the great continent of Africa being riddled with Aids." Ah. Okay. Anything else? "Asia was hit by the tsunami because of the continent's people not being Christian. God had marked their cards." Righto. Uh say, Maurice, how come it looks like you’ve just dipped a thumb in yer arse and smeared shite on your eyebrows?

Well how do you do, Sammy Wilson, ex-Mayor of Belfast? Some of you may have had the misfortune to catch the front page of the Sunday World in about 1996 which gave unfriendly prominence to the glutinous gluteus of the disgusting monster on the left as he frolicked bollock-naked in France with his then girlfriend. You will understand, therefore, my trepidation upon entering the search terms "Sammy Wilson+naked" into Google in order to find news stories mentioning the incident, but as it turns out, the results are quite interesting. Why it almost seems as if people are looking for excuses to horn the word "naked" into any article they write that features our Sammy. For shame!

How's about ye, Arthur Templeton? Arthur became infamous last year after being convicted of the harassment of a gay colleague. Said harassment, in typically classy DUP style, ranged from the simple use of the word "queer", to bending over in front of his victim, patting his arse and saying "Here you are, John". I’m not even fucking kidding. Arthur later claimed to have been bending over to tie his shoelace, and rebuffed his critics with the immortal lines, "It's political correctness gone mad", and "Some of my best friends are gay". We can all be thankful that the only picture I can find of him is that one in the car, for the bloated Jabba the Hutt fizzog behind the wheel demands some kind of protective barrier between us and it, and your computer screen isn’t gonna be enough.

What-ho, Paul Berry? Unfortunately, Paul was but a lad when the Save Ulster From Sodomy posse were out rounding up rump-wranglers, which makes the following story all the more tragic, and by tragic of course I mean knee-slappingly hilarious. Four days before the general elections in May this year, Paul arranged a rendezvous at the Ramada Hotel in Belfast with a male masseur, whom he had met on a gay chat website (and who was, unbeknownst to Paul, an understandably furious gay rights activist). Demonstrating that he had at least some idea of what his political party are supposed to be about (they ain’t just bigots when it comes to homosexuality, no sir!) his first remark to "Gary was reportedly "I hope you’re a Prod". Then he said something about baby oil. The next thing was even better: the last time he had received a massage was in Barbados, he said, by a "wee darky girl". Berry later claimed that the incident was entirely innocent and that he was merely receiving a "sports massage" for an injury. According to "Gary", however, Berry's ailment involved a feature of his anatomy not normally associated with sporting activities outside of horizontal jogging.

And we bring the story full circle by introducing you to the charming Ian Paisley Jr, who looks all set to continue in the Big Man’s footsteps as Bigot-in-Chief, surprise surprise. Hello there, Ian? What’s twisting your melon? "Most people in Northern Ireland find homosexual relationships offensive and indeed obnoxious and I say that from the position of research I have done." (Uh, "research", eh? That's cool. Now why didn’t Paul Berry think of that? "Sports massage", indeed.) I guess it would be kind of a funny coincidence if all of this actually meant that the DUP were closet cases, because from the research I’ve done I can say that most people in Northern Ireland find the DUP offensive and indeed obnoxious as well.

So there you have it, ladies and gentlemen: the DUP. What a shower of absolute cunts.