Fucking-public-fucking-transport

I hate it.

And I don’t mean in some whiny ass "my train was 10 minutes late and I had to wait in the cold" kinda way. Fucking amateurs. I mean, I despise it in a way that can otherwise only be found standing in the supermarket behind the fattest bitch on the planet (although maybe the planet’s on her, given that her festering mass is nearly twice that of most any solar body) while she meanders down the aisle, only pausing to abandon her trolley (filled, naturally, with shite processed to within an inch of its life, containing such elements of nature’s bounty that Dow Chemical would balk at producing) at random, leaving to me fume and rage within the comfort of my own head while attempting to navigate over her while not actually coming into contact with the pale, glistening, quivering morass.

And none of this, "I’ve waited for a bus for ages and then 3 come along at once". Christ. At least have the dignity to come up with an original complaint you prick.

No, I’m talking about getting up at a godforsaken hour of the morning to get the bus, knowing that you’ll have to wait 10 minutes but hey that’s ok, because you don’t want to miss it, which would mean missing the train at the other end, only to find that the timetable (both at the bus stop and online) is a lying piece of crap – and it’s at this point that I’d make some useless crappy joke about the lies only being matched by the US and UK’s reasons for going to war. But only if I had the intelligence and humour of the aforementioned piece of crap found in the supermarket and liked to whine about Tony Blair because, well, y'know, he’s Tony Bliar, ain't he? Oh Doctor, my sides.

I’m talking about then having to get a taxi to the train station to discover that the train has just left and you, buddy, you got 40 minutes of standing on a freezing, empty platform at 5am.

I’m talking about being aware the next morning, getting to the bus stop early (note: 20 minutes earlier than the advertised time, but only 10 minutes earlier than the actual time of arrival) and getting to train station with 15 minutes to spare. So everything’s finally going ok for once. And then a train arrives. But it’s not the train, because it’s at a different platform and the screen at the correct platform is still showing your train. But you don’t trust that, so you go to have a look. And of course, just as the train pulls away you discover that was the train, but at a different platform. But hey, why bother making an announcement or changing the screens? I want to cry. I want to scream. I want to kick something really fucking hard. But you’ve read enough to know that’s not the way it’s done. So I sigh, trudge back to the platform (who knows if it’s the correct one?) and wait for the next train.