Saturday, February 26, 2005

The Blogospheric Adventures of Christ Man and the Earth Lamb

This may be a heinous breach of Department protocol, but here’s a thing I don’t hate: blog comments. Blog comments are hilarious. These pages have seen their own mini-shitstorm of back’n’forth in the form of a ham-fisted attack on the Department’s values by a posse of anonymous Jesus-boners (which you can check out here and here), so perhaps I should take a moment to explain how this particular display of limp-wristed outrage was sparked by a comment of my own, elsewhere.

During an idle moment in an evening mainly spent weeping and chewing timber, I happened upon the blog of a tortured young soul named Philip “The Christ Man” Christman. The Christ Man is tortured, you see, because he has given up reading for Lent, and has dedicated his own toxic little corner of the blogosphere to sharing his pain with his fellow giants of the mind. Oh good gracious, whatever shall a poor intellectual do? Sure enough, a veritable orgy of back-slapping, name-dropping and Jesus-loving inevitably ensues, causing these tired eyes immeasurable distress.

Giving up reading harms Jesus
I have so many issues with the premise of this guy’s site I can barely even think about it without spitting blood. Even leaving aside the ass-clenching stupidity of writing a blog when one is not even supposed to be reading, Christ Man’s sacrifice for the Lord involves giving up the one thing that might have a chance of saving him from total imbecility. Keep reading, dickhead, it’s your only hope! There’s no point linking Dostoevsky and Noam Chomsky if you remain unable to think for yourself, especially to the extent that you are still swallowing thousand-year-old mythology like it was anything other than a quaint little fairy tale.

So, I decided to let Christ Man know how I felt. In my opinion, my comment was reasonable, balanced and uncharacteristically polite, but I suppose you can judge for yourself. In any case, it didn’t take long for our great man of letters to ban me from commenting, ostensibly for making fun of one his retarded buddies. Beforehand, however, he did manage to send a few of his flock over to these parts, and I am happy to say that they will continue to enjoy the privilege of posting comments for as long as they please, making fun of whoever the fuck they want. I’ll leave it to the book-lovers over at the Virtual Cantina to indulge in censorship.

One of these anonymous halfwits has been weighing in on the God debate, insofar as there is one, regurgitating a palsied version of one of my favourite arguments, best paraphrased like this: “You can’t get something from nothing … uh, unless you’re talking about God, in which case you can”. I’ll leave that up to philosophical bad-ass Bertrand Russell to deal with (don’t you click on that link, Christ Man – stay strong!), but it should be noted that had Anon managed to hold that Chicken/Egg analogy in his head long enough to follow through on its implications we may have had a break-through of sorts, right here on these pages. Instead, we appear to have the world’s worst biologist.

Funnier than all that, though, is the latest post from Matt “sensitive Earth Lamb” Lind, riding in with kinetic exuberance to defend Christ Man’s virtue from the barbarian blogging hordes. The post is pretty innocuous as a whole (he calls me a “cockroach”*, oh crumbs!), but the choicest moment is right at the end where he solemnly intones “God bless America” as if I had hijacked a United Airlines flight and crashed it into the south tower of his friend’s website. I honestly think this might be the funniest shit I have ever read, and it is proof positive that belief in the personal-empowerment hype of the blogosphere is the death knell for every last shred of a sense of proportion. “Oh me oh my, the nasty man said a bad thing on Phil’s blog, God bless America, oh dear!”

Seriously man, have you no self-respect? God bless America? Dude, I bet even God thinks you’re a fucking pussy.

Well, it’s been a fun journey. It’s a bit of a shame that I had to do this in the main body of the blog – it would have been fun to have had this out in a comments section somewhere, but these literary types are awfully sensitive, it seems. It’s really too bad I’ve been banned. But who knows, if one or two of you rational, free-thinking types out there happen to make it over to visit the Christ Man or the Earth Lamb, perhaps you could drop them a line on my behalf?

Happy hatin’, folks. And tell ‘em Snotty sent ya.

*The Earth Lamb would like us to make clear that his "cockroach" line is a reference to Kafka, because the Earth Lamb, like his chum Phil, is at pains to establish his high-brow credentials. If a person refers to Kafka he is a genius and that is all there is to it, so please ensure that you feel appropriately humbled when you visit his learned pages. It is also useful to have a flexible definition of sarcasm in mind, otherwise you will miss all the quality jokes. Thank you.

36 Mewling Pricks

At 11:02 am, Blogger geezer squeezer! ejaculated...

im considering leaving them a message on your behalf snotty.

 
At 4:13 pm, Blogger Gretchen Ross ejaculated...

You're a good writer. 99% of the blogs I find are egotistical or about Pikachu. You've got something unique here. While most people blog about what they love, you blog about what you hate. Its refreshing.

 
At 4:15 pm, Blogger Gretchen Ross ejaculated...

Bang dead on assessment. Of all the things you could give up, why READING? For Gawd's sake...

 
At 6:02 pm, Blogger lucretius ejaculated...

Have you ever read Kafka, my dear little cockroach? Also, you may never have heard about something called sarcasm. This is the vein in which I made both the "we" and the "Earth lamb"comment. I thought it odd that a blog would choose to post my horoscope, as if that describes me any more than a trans-atlantic hate monger could. Obviously I'm as much of a dispicable onanist as you are, or I wouldn't be wasting my time responding to your throbbing ego. Also, "God bless America" was sarcastic. I live in a country that believes it is a moral value to mistreat poor people and buggers who have not done anything wrong except take it up the ass. If you think that you are so wise as to pass judgement on all humanity, more power to you. You talk about people of whose experience you know nothing. And just because Bertand Russell was a smart guy, it doesn't me that God doesn't exist.

 
At 6:06 pm, Blogger lucretius ejaculated...

Also, notice that more than half of the comments on Phil's website, were made by aliases of Mr. Snotty McShot. Juan Valdez (that's sarcasm by the way, jerk), Phil Randall, and Bob are all characters in his wonderful, but everloving imagination.
Also, if you don't know, James Dobson, a class 1 bible-fucker, declared SpongeBob squarepants to be gay, so that cartoon is a mockery of overly assholish religious people. But, obviously, it doesn't take religion to be an asshole, Mr.-I-am-atheist-and-I-am-so-goddamn-preachy-about-it-I-might-as-well-call-it-a-religion.

 
At 7:25 pm, Blogger Snotty McShot ejaculated...

I have no idea who Bob is, but you are correct that those other names are aliases. The game is up! Congratulations, you are an internet sleuth of the highest order. Also, your subtle Kafka reference was most skilful. I particularly like the way you pithily reduce the deeper themes of his work, by writing “metamorphose into this cockroach” in reference to a story called “Metamorphosis” in which the central character metamorphoses into a beetle. Some might say that this is slight and superficial, requiring a knowledge of the work no deeper than a passing familiarity with the blurb on the back cover, but not I. No, I say that you, sir, are an intellectual powerhouse and you have every right to feel very, very proud of yourself. Allow yourself an extra genital manipulation before bed-time tonight.

I would also like to apologise for failing to grasp the sophistication of your humour. I see now that your “Earth Lamb” shtick is a total laugh riot and doesn’t at all make you sound like a hilarious teenage girl. Moreover, I condemn anyone who would suggest that you are only retrospectively claiming “sarcasm” because you were caught boo-hooing like a prize tool. Finally, the argument that atheism is a religion is no regard a tedious and laughable canard more often found dribbling from the gas-holes of creationists and apologeticists.

Yes sir, it certainly looks like I had you all wrong. Please accept my humble apologies – you have shown me the error of my ways with your incisive comments, and you are my new hero for sure. I can only hope that I might be as adept in the ways of sarcasm as you are some day.

Praise Jesus.

 
At 10:15 pm, Blogger lucretius ejaculated...

It is okay to admit your weakness. I am not a genius, and do not claim to be one. Nor, have I actually read all of the Metamorphosis, I will remedy that immediately, and only make the most profound of literary references. I pity you dear, lovely Mr. McShot, simply because you can only see and produce what is most reprehensible in other people. The world is not black and white; right and wrong are more complicated than you think, and if you disagree, I would ask you to visit Auschwitz, Selma, or Iraq. If you don't like my sense of humor, then why don't you go find something else worth your amazing intellect. If all the pleasure in life that you can achieve is being pissed off, then I don't care what aesthetic you are trying to go for, you will live a hollow, chemically-altered, sad life.

 
At 11:01 pm, Anonymous Phil Randall ejaculated...

Snotty, you are so cool, what does it take to be so hateful?

 
At 11:01 pm, Anonymous Phil Randall ejaculated...

Snotty, you are so cool, what does it take to be so hateful?

 
At 11:03 pm, Anonymous Juan Diaz ejaculated...

Snotty, can you tell me why other people are so stupid?

 
At 11:03 pm, Anonymous Juan Diaz ejaculated...

Snotty, can you tell me why other people are so stupid?

 
At 11:04 pm, Anonymous Bob ejaculated...

I hate so many people, and your website is all about hating people. It's like the coolest thing ever. Wow, I can't wait to read about all the people you hate? Who do you hate, Snotty? Who do you hate?

 
At 11:05 pm, Anonymous Bob ejaculated...

Snotty, hatred is like the best emotion. I am so glad you have a website for people like me that are consumed with hate. You are like my hero. Are you going to put out a CD?

 
At 11:06 pm, Anonymous Jorge, the amazing contortionist ejaculated...

Hate, Hate, I love to Hate. Hating is so cool. Everyone else loves each other all the time. All those people loving each other in Iraq and Nepal. All those people loving each other in the Sudan. All those Iranians love everybody! I can't stand all the love!

 
At 11:07 pm, Anonymous Nigel ejaculated...

I can hate today, I can hate tomorrow. Hating is so cool. Everyone hates those who hate. That is so bad. I think you're so smart. Everyone else is so dumb. Hating is fun. Use the "f" word more you fucking jerk.

 
At 11:08 pm, Anonymous Theobald ejaculated...

I hate your website. I hate it so much I love it! Get it? It's because when you hate something so much, you actually love it, so then you're not hating it anymore. But you're still hating it sort of, but you love it so much you hate it.

 
At 11:09 pm, Anonymous Hwang Lee ejaculated...

You're website is so funny! In one of your posts, you called some stupid people choppers! That was like really cool slang. I hate your website because it is so funny!

 
At 11:10 pm, Anonymous Mbingu ejaculated...

I'm so fucking angry! Give 'em hell Snotty. I can't believe how angry I am. Somebody needs to yell at random people. I'm so fucking angry!

 
At 11:11 pm, Anonymous Small Dick Man ejaculated...

I think there is not enough mockery on your website. I love it when people are mocked. It makes me feel like my dick is larger than theirs. Can you mock more people.

 
At 11:50 pm, Blogger Snotty McShot ejaculated...

Sure thing, Small Dick Man! Here’s one I wrote about my hero Matt Lind!

Hey Matt, are you bringing Auschwitz into a stupid debate about shitty blogs now? For real? “God bless America” was one thing, but fucking concentration camps? Holy shit. Matt, listen: the internet has ruined your brain. You have lost all sense of perspective. This is not a crisis scenario. This is me (bored) and you (uptight and touchy) idly wasting our lives on the fucking internet. This is all completely and utterly unimportant. Okay?

Auschwitz. Oh, that’s good.

But hey, please stop being sarcastic about my amazing intellect. That’s my joke. I was sarcastic about your amazing intellect first, alright? Get your own material. And I’m not asking you to make the most profound literary references either, that’s ridiculous. I mean, you started that shit, let’s be fair. Although I guess it would be nice, should you insist on pointing out your nods to Kafka with the cringe worthy smugness of the words, “Have you ever read Kafka, my dear little cockroach?”, if you had actually bothered to read it yourself beforehand. I’d be a little embarrassed if I had been caught pulling that shit.

You’ve read some of it, though, that’s a good start. This all comes back to what I was saying before about the need to keep reading. What I find weird though, is that Metamorphosis is really quite a short story. In fact, in my Vintage Classic edition it is only 63 pages long. Granted, the typeface is pretty small, but I was wondering: which page did you get stuck on? Maybe I could just tell you what happens.

Oh no, the nasty man played at the Earth Lamb’s own smug pseudo-intellectual game! It’s just like Stalingrad, or Tiananmen Square maybe! Lord bless us and save us, one and all!

(Say that felt pretty good. I still got it! For a minute I thought I was going to run out of ideas and just start carpet bombing people with comments! Phew!)

 
At 1:32 am, Anonymous Yogi Berra ejaculated...

Dude, that guy, like it is completely impossible that his actual last name could be Christman. I mean, nobody has weird last names. That guy must be trying to have some weird superhero psuedonym. I mean, why would he call himself Phil Christman unless that was his real name or he was a total jerk. I think anyone who has a funny last name is an asshole. I hate Yogi Berra.

 
At 1:35 am, Anonymous Jesus ejaculated...

What a bunch of losers! I mean seriously, who has religious beliefs. I mean, like God is obviously a total jerk. Like, for instance, they used to have this really cool cereal that had prizes in it, and now, you have to like send in 3 UPCs and shipping and handling to get your prize. This is total fucking proof. That and people on the Underground. If there really were a God, he would strike dead anyone who happened to take a step in front of me. That idiot, I mean seriously, can we get a more competent God? Like God is such a loser.

 
At 1:37 am, Anonymous Eugenitive ejaculated...

Hey, dude, he called himself an Earth Lamb. That is hilarious. I betcha he is a total queer. Like only poofs would know about their Chinese Horoscope. And he said he is sensitive. I noticed that sensitive people don't call other people cockroaches. Now I'm going to cry. You goddamn, Nancy Boy! Now I'm crying--you fucking hypocrite. I mean you need to know the subjective genitive in order to hurl a real insult!

 
At 1:39 am, Anonymous Krishna ejaculated...

You know what else I think is wrong with that Phil Christ Man? Like, why is he giving up something for religious reasons. I mean, don't Muslims have huge orgies during Ramadan. And they like totally kick ass. My buddy Ahmed, his cousin is Muslim, and like he says he knows somebody, who knows somebody who owns a rocket-propelled grenade. If I had a rocket-propelled grenade, I'd totally kick ass. I think I'm going to become Muslim.

 
At 1:40 am, Anonymous Japheth ejaculated...

Um, Snotty, now, please don't make fun of me, but what's a ham-fist? Or like, is ham-fisting when two lesbian pigs have sex? I'm just curious, my mom never explained to me where ham came from.

 
At 1:44 am, Anonymous Catherine Zeta-Jones ejaculated...

Dude, what is that kid's deal, not reading Metamorphosis by Kafka. I mean, like I read that book and one other one in high school. Well, I didn't actually read the other book, I just watched the movie. It was awesome. Like there was this bus, right, and it couldn't go below 70 miles an hour, which I think is like 30 kilometers and hour. So anyways, Keanu Reeves is trying to get into Sandra Bullock's pants, and, oh wait, I think it was called "Waiting to Exhale."

 
At 1:48 am, Anonymous Thomas Sneddon ejaculated...

You know what pisses me off. When people like steal each other sarcastic comments. Like you totally had that comment about amazing intellect first. Like both of you guys were being self-righteous about how goddamn smart you all were, but you made the comment first, and then he like tried to copy you, but then you came back with big crazy red-eyed skull and were like, "How do you like them balls, asshole?" Fricking yeah! You're awesome, Snotty. Like, someone else can't say the same comment somebody said before about that person because then that person would be copying the person that just talked, and copying is illegal.

 
At 1:50 am, Anonymous Hoo Phlung Poo ejaculated...

Dude, Tiananmen Square was serious. Like why do you have to bring that kind of serious shit into this light-hearted internet exchange. The internet is only for discussing happy things and pornography! You are such a bastard.

 
At 3:45 am, Blogger AJ Ire ejaculated...

jesus christ, snotty, look what youve done... it's like a fucking chick tract in here... all the goddites are one thing... but bertrand russell? hes fun and all, but they all have parse that shit anyway in their apologetics classes, or whatever they take in jesus school... breach of department protocol, or just that youre starting to look sorta like the godless professor who wakes up at the end of the comic strip only to realize hes in hell. hell, snotty... hell... the good lord sweet and merciful knows maybe why you solicited this shit.... but now to go read something less sad...

 
At 3:10 pm, Blogger Snotty McShot ejaculated...

p.s.

Jepheth: Ham-fisted relates to early morse-code operators who hit their crazy message tool with their fists. Later it was used as an insult against less proficient morse-code sender-people or amateur HAM radio operators.

Although, that's just one story. The other goes that there was once a boy born with big lumps of slimy ham for hands. He couldn't play piano or make models too well. Table football was a big problem and he ate with his feet. However, in fights, with his HAMmers, as he called them alone and trying to think of any reason to live, on each arm he could throw a mighty wet punch. But ultimately, rather than focusing on this quality, people, being afraid of those who are different, focused on his lack of dexterity. Ham fisted came to refer to clumsy oafs and morons, buffoons and twits, slackjaws, troglodites and idiots.

Any further questions, please ask Matt Lind.

 
At 4:06 pm, Blogger Snotty McShot ejaculated...

I know, a.j., I know. It's all a fucking great big mess. I suppose I credited this Matt fellow and his posse with the ability to respond with something a bit less boring than a spam attack, but I really don't know what I was thinking. This exercise has not been good for my self-loathing, not at all. I've become a parody of myself in two short months! I cannot take this merciless lampooning anymore and I wish I was dead.

 
At 4:14 pm, Blogger Adam Price ejaculated...

Matt lind is a good man and he may waste time writing on this gay ass blog. But at least he is man enough not to hide who he is becouse someone might see this blog. He stands up for what he believes. And as a former soldier in a corporate possition. I SALUTE YOU MATT

 
At 5:17 am, Anonymous James Kafka ejaculated...

Bert Russell was an idiot with too much time on his hands. His Principia fell through the shitter after about 15 years of research {now its little more than a useless piece of crap} and his theological arguments never got past the "We smart, we have science. They dumb, they believe in God" phase.

Little wonder he is still so popular amongst the psuedo-intellects you meet on the average college campus.

A quote from Russell's early work:

"Aristotle good, Aristotle says things are what they look like. Aristotle think logic most important in understanding universe. Plato bad. Plato think things derived from stuff we can't see. Plato's ideas spooky to me. Plato might be a witch."

 
At 11:59 am, Anonymous Kim Partners ejaculated...

"We smart, we have science. They dumb, they believe in God"

Wow. The man really was a genius.

 
At 8:14 am, Anonymous Writings-centre.com ejaculated...

I like the way you start and then conclude your thoughts :)

 
At 10:00 am, Blogger David Johnson ejaculated...

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