State of the World Address
A 200-mile wide toxic cloud of shit fans out into the atmosphere above us. I don't know exactly what's in it, but I know I wouldn't wanna roll it in a joint and smoke it in a hurry.
The rising levels of fresh water deposited in the oceans by melting polar ice caps appear to have caused the 30 percent slowdown over 12 years of the Atlantic Conveyor, threatening to turn Britain into fucking Siberia before we even hit the half-way point in this century.
The energy crisis looms, we're facing 50 years of the WAR ON TERROR!, and already conservative pundits in the US are urging Bush to take care of the threat posed by Russia, China and Latin America.
But forget all that. Here, ladies and gentlemen, is how I know that we are truly living in the End of Fucking Days:
In a trial certain to be welcomed by the estimated one million Britons who eat their lunch at their desks each day, Britain's biggest retailer Tesco will use technology similar to that used in singing greetings cards to sell musical sandwiches.
Opening the top of the sandwich box will activate a tiny sound module that plays a selection of music. This season's offering will be a medley of Christmas tunes including Jingle Bells, Santa Claus is Coming to Town and We Wish You a Merry Christmas.
"It's designed to provide busy office workers with relaxing music to make eating lunch at their desks more enjoyable than ever before," [Tesco Spokesman Jonathan Church] said, adding that the concept could be easily adapted for Easter, Valentine's Day or Mother's Day.
The Rapture Index has yet to be updated with this development, but you best believe it's time to repent.