Saturday, July 22, 2006

"I Am Not A Rube", Says Rube

Now in session: JOEL F KINNEY v MY ASS

JOEL F KINNEY is a grown man who spends a significant amount of his spare time pretending that he is fighting in the Vietnam war as 2nd Lieutenant of a made up platoon. Despite this, JOEL F KINNEY takes himself very fucking seriously indeed. In 2003, Rube Watch, the embryonic Department, posted an uncharacteristically restrained bit about the faintly disturbing practice of war re-enactment (which is essentially just like the children’s game of Cowboys & Indians, except with outwardly sane-looking human adults, real guns (or so I am reliably informed) and an absurdly inflated sense of self-importance) during which the rubism of one JOEL F KINNEY was briefly highlighted.

In keeping with his habit of fighting his battles many years after they have actually ended, JOEL F KINNEY has finally returned fire on the now defunct Rube Watch. He writes:

As humorous as your page may be, it is truly sad that you do not get the purpose of why many of us participate in War re-enacting. You actually have no right to make an educated judgement when you obviously have no expertise in the area and know NOTHING personally about myself or anyone associated with my organization. Although I am sure there are a few re-enactment groups that live out some sick fantasy, I assure you ours is not. Do not let your ignorance get in the way of enlightenment as there is a little truth in all things. You obviously have no clue what truth is or you would check yourself and shut your mouth. If you would actually take a second and read our mission statement, you would see that we are hardly Rubes. We wish to honor those who have not been honored. Our group does rifle firing details (that is a 21 gun salute for idiots like yourself) for the Vietnam Veteran's War Memorial every year. We would not do what we do if it were not for the support and endorsement of Vietnam Veterans themselves. The battle re-enactment is just a very small portion of what we do. We volunteer our time and services all the time for special events, parades and memorials. All of which is for free and without re-embursement of our time away from work and family. I ask you... when was the last time you took the time to give of yourself to something bigger than you, or are you too busy making fun of people who you know nothing about to make you feel better about your ugly face? You couldn't be farther off course. Our events are for our Fathers and brothers! One last thing, OUR GUNS AREN'T FAKE, THEY ARE REAL YOU IDIOT! I will give you one chance to remove my name from the site or I will sue your ass! I have several Vietnam War veteran friends who are attorneys who would love nothing more than to sue you for defamation of character just out of principle!

This is, of course, fucking great stuff. I would like to thank JOEL F KINNEY for brightening up my hangover by being such a giant polesmoker, but I am a little disappointed that Rube Watch’s first threatened defamation suit is for such a relatively tame piece. I mean, where is JOEL F KINNEY defamed in Slitzy’s post, really? Where’s the false statement about JOEL F KINNEY which causes him to suffer harm? That he’s an "asshole"? Is that it?

Well that's just an opinion, and one which I happen to share: I think that JOEL F KINNEY is a fucking asshole and pompous fool. So what? What harm have I caused JOEL F KINNEY to suffer? JOEL F KINNEY’s lawyer friends should probably tell him to stop going around making pathetic threats of lawsuits against stupid 3-year old blogposts, but then they are Vietnam war re-enactors too and therefore clearly a bunch of fucking idiots, so who knows kind of fucked up advice they are giving him. In any case, they are more than welcome to contact the Department’s lawyer, Professor Lovehandle, at deptofhatemail at gmail dot com.

Slitzy could have gone much further. For instance, I imagine that JOEL F KINNEY is the sort of man who, like our old buddy (and real marine) Partisan Pundit, doesn’t like to have his sexuality questioned. So Slitzy might have pointed out that any grown man who puts that many photos of himself looking like America's Next Top GI Model on the internets is clearly a giant homosexual. In fact, JOEL F KINNEY’s macho poses are merely a boner shot removed from those of original Military Stud Jeff Gannon (notwithstanding the fact that JOEL F KINNEY is, himself, a fucking boner). Both Jeff and JOEL F KINNEY are basically trying to get other men to look at them, because you can guarantee that no self-respecting woman is ever going to spend any amount of time looking at pictures of a bunch of po-faced clowns squatting in a forest pretending to listen out for imaginary gooks. In fact, just ask JOEL F KINNEY: "Our events are for our Fathers and brothers", he tells us proudly, just after admitting that he frequently gives of himself to something larger than him.

"JOEL F KINNEY is posing for the boys", Slitzy might have opined, but of course he did not. Neither did he point out the inherent gayness of a bunch of guys running around in the woods blowing the shit out of each other, but none of this would have amounted to a case for defamation anyway, so JOEL F KINNEY can basically stick his lawsuit up his fucking cunt.

Case dismissed.

UPDATE! Slitzy responds!

25 Mewling Pricks

At 5:15 pm, Blogger Larry Teabag ejaculated...

On the question of the homoeroticism inherent or otherwise in JOEL F KINNEY's militaristic activities, I'd like to submit as evidence that on the sidebar of his platoon's website is a button entitled "In The Rear w/ The Gear", which leads to an In The Rear photo-gallery.

At 8:48 am, Anonymous John Cancer ejaculated...

An eminently wise judgement, if I might say so, m'lud.

At 8:52 am, Anonymous John Cancer ejaculated...

Larry, I think you've got it all wrong. "In the rear w/the gear" simply shows the kind of manly fun these guys have when they're away from the pressures of everyday life for a while.

At 12:29 pm, Blogger Snotty McShot ejaculated...

Larry, John.

Excellent work on dredging up Exhibits A & B. I may have to call on you two gentlemen as witnesses for the defence if JOEL F KINNEY ever gets around to doing whatever it is he has planned for my ass.

At 12:26 am, Anonymous John Cancer ejaculated...

Our appellant obviously has no eye for accuracy in his re-enactisations. Here is a photo of some real-life GIs in Vietnam, shortly before they got their heads blown off. Here, by contrast, are Our Brave Lads doing their re-enactification thang, shortly before they go home for tea. Spot the difference.

At 1:41 am, Blogger Binty McShae ejaculated...

I used to be in a battle re-enactment society.... it was an English Civil War one, and I was in it because I was crap at sport but good at history and it was something else I could do with a bunch of mates that involved some degree of physical exercise, a bit of culture (you got to travel around the UK and see lots of new places) and also allowed us to get very pissed. Some folk went into it to really seriously live the 17th century life and camped in authentic circumstances, but that wasn't for me.

I cannot comment about this guys society because I know nothing about it, but there is a part of me that wonders about the validity of re-enacting conflicts that are still so fresh in peoples minds. I also wonder who they get to act as the Vietnamese soldiers, and whether their re-enactments at least attempt to give a balanced view of the conflict - something much easier to do when "playing" a war that is further back in history.

I also see the visual appeal of a re-enactment of "olden-days" warfare, which was very much fought on the open field, and we always got big audiences to watch. I am not sure how that would work with Vietnam re-enactments.

Incidentally, the muskets our guys used were real (I was a pikeman, so I didn't have one). This caused problems because in many parts of the UK local laws stated that firearms must be kept in official gun cabinets yet no sanctioned cabinet was made that could house such a large weapon. I don't know how they ever resolved that...

Having said all that the Joel guy does come across as a bit of a wanker threatening a lawsuit...

At 10:16 am, Blogger Snotty McShot ejaculated...

Binty: "Some folk went into it to really seriously ... and camped in authentic circumstances"

Whereas JOEL F KINNEY is merely authentically camp.

At 6:33 pm, Blogger Slitzy ejaculated...

Holy Moly. Joel got the fume up him something large.

Back from three years in my thematically designed palaciual weel or iron sorrow and I find this. A threat! Well, I say!

Professor Lovehandle has asked Slitzy to throw Hustler v Falwell out and towards...just give it an auld read-ho. Seeing as said defamation would have been felt and experienced in the US of A (hoooaaaah!) that jursidiction would apply. 'Course, if it's here we're talking about try Handyside v UK. Email him to ask about such cases. He really does know and thing or two that old geebag.

Let me clarify a point or two.

Joel F Kinney is a war re-enactor. This is a daft activity even for one as stupid as he. However, his long held sense of loss from a mother who left, following a row over mushrooms and cabbage, and a father who hated and bruised his emotional ball is healed by the bruising of his own innerds in the penetrative gun fuck that is his "battle" in "Nam" (The woods behind his Grandma's gaff). His psychotherapist Mrs Fenola Brightly describes him as a total asshole but explains this as excusable through his maladjusted sexual self, a split personality between what may only be described as Kermit the Frog meets Zoolander. so the question is not whether Joel is a Rube as such. But whether he is a Rube OR a fucked up wanker in a costume engaged in rubey activity. His unfortunate email to the Dept. may shed some light. For my part, I think the former. Whatever his psychotherapist says to excuse him it's his insistance on his doing some social good with this nonsense that really tickles my goolies. What a spa. What a Rube.

My ass awaits, I bend and spread, I touch my toes, I breathe in.


At 11:30 pm, Anonymous John Cancer ejaculated...

Grease him up, boys.

At 5:54 am, Anonymous Edgar McBanterbury ejaculated...

I know this fairy, I have unfortunately encountered this delusional narcissistic homoTron when I was in the "reenactment dimension", and it was a pleasure to train my m79 sights on his back. Yes, I was a rube, insane enough to want to aim a loaded rifle at one another and pull the trigger... but that was a different time. JOEL F KINNEY however will never quit his fantasizing, wanking in front of the mirror, and dreaming up the perfect scheme to rape his neighbors dog with a trail of peanut butter crackers. I salute you Rube Watch!! Keep up the sharp eye!!! And EXCELLENT COMMENTARY.

At 10:40 pm, Anonymous Richard F. ejaculated...

I think that sad part about all of what is going on is not that Joel is being attacked but that some computer geeks that masturbate each other while posting blogs are pretending to know him. Yes, I know him and hes a great guy. He owns his own business and has a fucking hot girl friend. His has way more going for him then the cock bags on this site that are saying shit over the internet. I picture Slitzy as a small little shit that sits at home making attacks at people from the safty of a computer screen because he would get the shit kicked out of him if done person to person. I would do it in a heart beat. For all the things you have to say Slitzy most of it has a gay theme, makes me wonder..... I think that something preoccupies your thoughts. You all are cock masters, go suck a fatty

At 11:42 am, Blogger Snotty McShot ejaculated...

BREAKING NEWS: Richard F. wants to bone JOEL F KINNEY’s girlfriend!

I think that sad part about all of what is going on is not that [JOEL F KINNEY] is being attacked...

He isn’t being “attacked” you fucking drama queen. This ain’t ‘Nam.

…but that some computer geeks that masturbate each other…

Please try to control your erotic fantasies, Richard. Or can I call you Dick?

…while posting blogs are pretending to know him.

Well, sorry if I gave you that impression – allow me to restate: I do not know JOEL F KINNEY personally, but on the evidence of his ridiculous website he appears to be an awful fucking arsehole. How’s that?

Yes, I know him and hes a great guy.

Evidence, please?

He owns his own business and has a fucking hot girl friend.

Ah, I see. Because arseholedom and self-employment are mutually exclusive. Because no woman ever slept with an arsehole. Consider me corrected.

His has way more going for him then the cock bags on this site that are saying shit over the internet.

I’m sorry, Dick, are you pretending to know me?

I picture Slitzy as a small little shit that sits at home making attacks at people from the safty of a computer screen because he would get the shit kicked out of him if done person to person.

And it really fucking winds you up, doesn’t it? Man, this is straight out of the 1990s first edition of “Classic Internet Comebacks”. I’m surprised you didn’t mention Slitzy’s mom’s basement while you were at it. Here, I’ll show you…

I would do it in a heart beat.

“Yeah, like I’m supposed to be scared of some nerd acting like a tough guy while he types on a sticky keyboard from the safety of his mom’s basement?” (See? Easy.)

For all the things you have to say Slitzy most of it has a gay theme, makes me wonder... I think that something preoccupies your thoughts.

So what? You guys are the homophobes that consider allegations of homosexuality to be a grievous insult. Doesn’t bother the Department.

You all are cock masters, go suck a fatty

Don’t mind if I do. Mean time, why don’t you go back to trying to persuade JOEL F KINNEY’s fucking hot girlfriend to take pity on you just enough to at least show you one of her tits while you beat off, sobbing and moaning with guilt and queasy spasms of extreme self-loathing. JOEL F KINNEY doesn’t have to know anything. Why should he get all the breaks, huh? You are special too, Dick. Don't let the big kids tell you otherwise.

At 3:55 am, Anonymous edgar mc banterbury ejaculated...

richard l, you just don't know JFK that well, do you? I pose this question, how long has JOEL been an acquaintance of yours? I ask because if you really knew him, you would understand how much of a narcissistic, self-obsessed, ego-inflated POSER he is. oh and if you dont believe that i know him, he recently went out and played army all camo'd up with someone from Gay Queers magazine. touche

At 12:19 pm, Blogger Slitzy ejaculated...

Hi there Richard

As you can see from my frequent type-os, I would I had a fatty to smoke these days. Typing one handed is truly getting me down. I'm watching William Shatner struggle with a torn shirt and an escaping flobby gut right now, crying over the 20 quid I just spend on a skipping porn DVD, and wondering where in the name of my spotty ass you got anything homosexual from what I posted. I said Joel was sexually maladjusted, in an oedipal kind of violent gun totin yeehaw way. I also said he was stupid. I'm fairly sure your average homosexual is far better adjusted and far less serious about and dress-up that might be palyed. As for bending over and spreading my ass cheeks - not only was it a reference to Joel kicking my ass, but it was you, yes you Richard, who saw that as something gay. Anyway, look Richard, just to finish off, you're a cunt, and right now William Shatner's talking to a small alien child with a twinkle in his eye. I'm gonna grease my hands up with oil from last night's prawn crackers and see what happens. Hey, you think Joel does star trek re-enacting? If so I'd love to meet him.

At 8:49 am, Anonymous William H. Bradley ejaculated...

As a seasoned legal investigator I have provided background informatoin on a bevy of freaks, weirdos,dorks, fag's, pedophiles, and other indviduals in the realm of all things labeled "Spaz". During this time I have served as an expert witness for various "freak" cases and I am proud to do so once again in the matter styled as "Joel F Kinney vs. My Ass".

Your honor, after careful consideration of the discovery in this case, I have determined that Joel F. Kinney, a resident of the City of Salem , Marion County, Oregon, is in fact, a fag. (emphasis added)This evidence is supported by a review of his "myspace" account accessed as a link herin attached as Plaintiffs Exhibit C.

Look at his face when he is hanging out with a man versus the company of a woman. Very strange facial manerisms are appearant wherin the subtleties of his homosexuality are readily ascertained. Moreover, his self congratulating auto biography tells the complete story if one can simply "read through the lines". In addtion, it is easy to notice how most of his "friends" are the type that disgraced Congressman Mark Foley would find of interest, if I may offer a comedic analogy in this most serious matter.

The fact that Joel F Kinney proclaimes that he has a quote "Fuking Hot Girlfriend" offers no countermanning evidence to his obvious homosexuality. Quite opposite, many homosexuals seek the company of women to mask their true sexual identity.

Based upon his interest in re-enacting Vietnam war battles, I was prompted to interview several members of this community that have personally met the man. This is what they had to say. (A video taped deposition is avialable at my office.)

"Joel F Kinney....yeah, I know the man, he seamed to have an interest in talking to the 'new "young" recruits'."

Overall, in his greater intersts in recruiting and retention of personell of his phony army unit and running it as if it were "the real deal" it is obvious that he has serious unresolved issues. Your Honor, the fact of the matter is, Joel F. Kinney never served in the United States Army, or any other military service of any type. However, he uses the guys of re-enacting to get as a poorly vailed attempt to surround himself with a veritable "World of Men....and boys" while at the same time pretending to serve a noble purpose by attending various veterans events as a supposed "honor guard". Your Honor, the truth is, most combat veterans do not care one centilla about young men who could not possibly, under any circumstances, understand what it is like to serve in combat (or even the military in general for that matter). They see these people run around in uniforms, shoot blanks, award themselves rank as a complete and total abomination and a dis-service to the memory of those that have fought and died for this great country of ours. The hobby or reenacting has evolved to such an extreme situation, that the people who partake in it suffer from a sick, sadistic, catatonic psychosis to where they actually believe that the re-enacitng "unit" that they serve is a real military unit. To that end your honor, plaintiffs pray to the court to find the defendat guilty as charged and request that you remand Mr. Joel F. Kinney to psychiatric evaluation in the Donald E. Long home for the Chronically fucked up.

Respectfully Submitted,
William H. Bradley,
OSB# 79010
Sutherland Asbill & Brennan P.C.

At 7:54 am, Anonymous Anonymous ejaculated...

I's readin dis in me undies again! O:

At 6:22 pm, Blogger Phil Mcnasty ejaculated...

Mr. Bradley,
I happen to work for a firm that does a lot of work with SABLAW and I am now extremely embarrassed to say that. Your complete lack of professionalism and homophobic rhetoric is reprehensible. I want to ensure you that when I talk to Terry Weiss and Tom Farnen in Atlanta today, not only will I inform them of what you have posted and the words you have used, I will make sure they view a copy. I 'm also quiet sure many of our local media outlets are going to be interested in reading what a lawyer at one of the top firms in the country has to say about the homosexual community.

P Mcnasty
LECG, Inc.

At 7:08 pm, Blogger Phil Mcnasty ejaculated...

INTERESTING UPDATE: Well, it seems we have a pretty interesting situation going on here. Yesterday, myself and several attorneys’ from my firm spoke to Mr. Bradley regarding the above posting. Let's just say he was displeased, to say the least, that someone was using his name and writing slanderous things with it. To say he was displeased is a gross understatement. At the conclusion of our phone call, Mr. Bradley and his attorney retained our firm to identify the location of the posting. Our Ediscovery department spent the night tracking and traced the posting to a server here in Oregon, not New York. We are now 90% sure who posted the blog on behalf of Mr. Bradley and legal proceedings are underway. Ironically our evidence shows that this person was VERY active in WWII re-enacting community. Just a warning but...NEVER represent yourself as someone else, either verbally or on the internet. It is highly illegal and our firm is making a TON of money tracking people like this down.

P Mcnasty

At 7:12 pm, Anonymous Anonymous ejaculated...

Sir Mcnasty, you are really missing the case here sir, this case is dismissed, ruling for the plaintif. Joel F kinney is sentenced to life being a homotron in hiding. The real question is: when will he come out of the bush aka "closet"?

At 10:38 pm, Blogger Slitzy ejaculated...

Gosh. The law is fearful for true. It can even done do gitya online sho'nuff. yeearrrgh!

I do love the legal fakes. They're my favourites. Oops, was that evidence I'm not murkan? A wayward U and I'm foooked.

At 4:13 pm, Anonymous Anonymous ejaculated...

Martin Brothers Just wait, the internet is one place to do things but real life is another. You two are all around fucked up. This is not even about Joel anymore. Its about how you two are stupid bitches that fuck people over and think nothing of it. Joel? What about him? Hes just 1 in many that you have screwed.

(ps. You guys are fucked up because yes, you did stop Vietnam re-enacting, but you now run around like Nazi soldiers. Sure some of you guys are kinda ok, but when you get all into it its really fucked up. YOU ARNT IN THE SS. Fuck off.)

At 7:56 pm, Anonymous Anonymous ejaculated...

Hey Slitzy- Have another drink. Idiot.

At 7:19 pm, Anonymous Anonymous ejaculated...

Hey you should all leave joel alone, he is a great guy and me and him are real closefriends, dont believe the lies about him, I will not stand aside while another buddy is being accused , no matter what the accusation,!! what is the accusation again?

At 11:54 pm, Anonymous Anonymous ejaculated...

all I can say is it AIN'T the Martin brothers.... there are so many more that see through your facade, and don't really care about you, or whose kid you lure into your van with a babe ruth on a fishing line.

At 4:15 am, Blogger 1c9h ejaculated...

Don't know Joel personnally but I appreciate what he and the others are doing to keep alive the memory of those we left behind. I served my time in the nam and left friends behind. Came home to all the snide remarks and sick comments. If you research the photo of the nude, burned vietnamese girl on your site you will find that she was actually burned by napalm dropped by a vietnamese pilot. maybe you should pay a visit to the world war 2 memorial, the korean war memorial and the vietnam memorial. a visit to Arlington National Cemetary might be a good idea also. You could say "thank you" for all those who gave their all so you can say what you please when you please. You will have to say it loud though as the dead don't here sp well.


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