When Monkeys Ruled The Earth

Not wanting to harp on about my morning journeys, but we need to discuss Tube etiquette. Ok, my manners are clearly up my hole. I call people names and have no regard for the feelings of anyone but myself. I admit that. In fact, I am proud of it and I applaud anyone else whose behaviour is similar to mine.

Tube etiquette, however, needs to be discussed, because it is not so much an issue of manners and intelligence. That which sets some of us apart from the slackjaws and knuckledraggers. I have therefore devised a seven point plan for successful Tubery.

1. When they say “please let customers off the train first” this is not to be polite. This is because the laws of physics dictate that two bodies cannot occupy the same space at the same time.

2. When they ask you to please use all available space, point 1 applies. Christ almighty, pay attention.

3. Please have your ticket ready before you get to the ticket barrier. You know you’re going to need it. You fucking know you are approaching a big fuck-off machine that won’t let you through without the little card you’ve let slip to the bottom of your fucking Louis Vuitton purse you cow. Get it out or I will stand behind you and make fists and sweat!

4. When the train carriage is crammed and you want to get off, please realise that there are people coming from the opposite direction trying to get off too. There is no fire. You will be able to disembark eventually. The person you are asking to move cannot. Please calm down. Please just…fucking, will you wait you fuck there’s some guy trying to get past on my other fucking side, and you’re fatter than he is so he goes first…FUCK OFF!

5. If you are near the door and there is a packed carriage, please step out to allow people off and then embark again. This is very simple. People cannot leave the train with you in the way. Please see points 1 and 2. Point 4 refers to those occasions when you are stuck near the centre pole under some fat fuck’s armpit.

6. Make a fucking decision for the love of sanity. When stepping onto the platform, arriving at the top of the stairs, the bottom of the stairs, the top or bottom of escalators, stepping out of elevators, passing ticket machines, entering or leaving the station. Make a goddamned decision. Too many of you find yourself in one of those scenarios and stand there waiting for your bubbly brains to tick over and tell you where it is you need to go. If it’s going to take a while you fucking slug, get the fuck over to the wall and manipulate your thought over there. Then I can pass by safely without internal bleeding or ulceration.

7. When your ticket doesn’t work, looking at it does not help. Ever. If it does not work, simply go over to the bloke in the Blue jacket and ask him to let you by. Do not for fuck sake stand there, drooling and looking at it. Do not, under any circumstances, run the ticket through the machine again. Do not frown, do not tut, just fuck off.

Happy Trails

Feel free to add to my seven point plan. Eight point, thirteen point? I'm easy.