Thursday, September 11, 2008

Anniversary Hate

You know what I hate? I hate 9/11.

Not the event, you understand; the event was far too interesting to be subject to the simple gnawing monotony of hate. It was spectacular and horrifying and amazing and awful and everything else between and beyond. It was a colossal crime and a heartbreaking tragedy, sure, but it was also totally exhilarating, especially for the billions of us who were mere spectators, who didn’t lose anyone in the glorious Technicolor collapse. Stockhausen was right.

Nah, what I hate about 9/11 is all the pampered little shits that keep pissing on about it every fucking year, without fail, like they have suffered uniquely for having watched people die on TV that one time. I’m being slightly disingenuous, of course, for the victims were not just any people. No, these were people with whom our emotionally wounded chums shared naught but a vast landmass, an accident of birth or circumstance, and a vague subscription to an abstract concept called “America”. If it were otherwise – if these had been the citizens of, say, Iraq – we surely would not still be stumbling unawares across these unreasonably tedious festivals of boo-hooing all these years later, these little narcissistic landmines strewn across an internet that already has its fair share of poisonous hazards.

One such hazard is InstaPunk, a group blog written by a big bag of wilted dicks and named for its founder, of whom the word “punk” only applies in the sense that Harry Callahan meant it. It’s no surprise to find that they have milked their precious little tear ducts to produce this classic example of the Remembering Where I Was On 9/11 genre – an utterly contemptible yawn-factory every bit as dull as the Twin Tower collapse wasn’t.

Like practically all of these rambling, self-indulgent snoozefests, it is 6 million words long, yet inevitably amounts to scarcely more than: “We watched it on TV, it reminded me of some movie or other, our phones didn’t work for a while, and we had a bit of trouble getting home”. Well, you know something? Me too, and so fucking what. It’s like those couples you meet who tell those long and skullfuckingly boring stories about how they met, and they’re telling it in that allegedly cute tag-team fashion, and your fucking blood is boiling and there’s just the ripped red and ragged frayed fibre of your last fucking nerve standing between their cooing pusses and the soon-to-be-broken fat end of your beer bottle and they can’t tell that behind your quivering grimace you are silently screaming: “YOU MET AT FUCKING WORK LIKE EVERYONE ELSE, YOU GODAWFUL PRICKS”.

You know what I mean? That’s how I feel about these 9/11 bores.

Go ahead. Read it and tell me I’m wrong. And while you’re at it, think about what an incredible fucking luxury it is to be able to piss and moan about 9/11 for seven years as if it was the only thing that ever happened on the goddamn planet, while the people of Iraq and Afghanistan, made to pay for the Worst Event Ever a thousand times over by a different accident of birth, suffer a new atrocity practically every other day, with barely a moment in between to update their blogs or their Facebooks with mawkish, sentimental bullshit, and without the luxury of thousands of miles of television cable separating them from the horror.

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1 Mewling Pricks

At 1:04 am, Anonymous MOGS ejaculated...

You know, every time I get to thinking I hate my life, I seem to come across folks like yourself.

I pity you. I would prefer to hate you for utterly self-absorbed idiocy you wrote above, but I've got better things to hate. You poor, poor bastard. Such a waste.


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