Thursday, August 31, 2006

Quiz Time: How Rotten Is Rumsfeld?

I hear that Donald Rumsfeld is having trouble sleeping. Time for a quick game of "fill in the blanks", I think.

FALLON NAVAL AIR STATION, Nev. (AP) -- Defense Secretary Donald H. Rumsfeld said yesterday that he is deeply troubled by ________________.

"That's the thing that keeps me up at night," he said during a question-and-answer session with about 200 naval aviators and other U.S. Navy personnel at this flight training base for Navy and Marine pilots.



Any guesses? Here's a few of his greatest hits to get you started:










Answer here.

Thursday, August 17, 2006

Good Idea. How 'Bout Some Sort of Armband?

For the love of fuck:

A new Gallup poll finds that many Americans -- what it calls "substantial minorities" -- harbor "negative feelings or prejudices against people of the Muslim faith" in this country.

...

Almost four in ten, 39%, advocate that Muslims here should carry special I.D.


Hey ho. Welcome to fascism, meatheads!

Of course, there are many out there that would snort with laughter at the idea that our sophisticated industrialized societies (not unlike a certain "advanced political community with a highly trained, tightly disciplined police and civil service bureaucracy" discussed here) could possibly be responsible for such mass hatred. Luckily, these will be the same hysterical fucking halfwits that believe that "The West" is under any serious existential threat from a couple of dozen teenagers armed with some funky shampoo and no fucking passports, so their arguments can be safely disregarded like the racist ballhair they are.

Roy Edroso has some more 39-percenters for you in case you’re not depressed enough yet.

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

Thoughts on Animal Welfare

A Proposal

So I was sitting on the can earlier thinking about the terrible plight of animals worldwide and it occurred to me that, while humans may continue to make improvements in the way we treat animals, the problem mainly stems from the way that we view animals vis-à-vis ourselves. And that will not change unless we stop crapping in little cubicles.

Since the second world war, during which, studies later estimated, only 15-20% of soldiers actually fired their weapons at the enemy, American military planners have recognised that in order to get your soldiers to kill you must encourage them to view the opposing force as less than human. The opposite is true for the relationship between homosapiens and the rest of the animal kingdom, but the principal is the same: in order to justify our cruelty we must de-animalise ourselves.

Clearly, for real change to occur it is necessary for this state of affairs to be tackled directly. This is why I am proposing, to Peta or the WWF or whoever, the following two-pronged campaign strategy for 2007:

1. We will lobby for the cubicles in all public buildings must be dismantled. No more shall we deny our essential identities as members of the animal kingdom, and no longer shall we be allowed to hide our basic bodily functions in shame. This will force us to confront the disgraceful dichotomy between the respect that we afford our own species and the lack of same that our brethren in the "non-cubicled" animal kingdom have suffered under for so long.

2. We will campaign, by way of petition, for a new UN resolution which will officially recognise human beings as pissing, shitting animals.

Alternatively, we could run a "Cubicles for Cattle" campaign, maybe, or at least get the other animals some trousers. Whatever, I haven’t worked out all the details yet, but in any case I am proud to be able to count myself as the first to add my name to this campaign.

Will you join me?

Friday, August 11, 2006

Just, Uh, Y'know - Be Careful

WASHINGTON (Reuters) - Israel has asked the Bush administration to hasten delivery of short-range anti-personnel rockets armed with cluster munitions, which it could use to strike Hizbollah missile sites in Lebanon, The New York Times reported on Friday.

Sourcing its report to two American officials, the newspaper said the request for M-26 artillery rockets, which are fired in barrages and carry hundreds of grenade-like bomblets that scatter and explode over a broad area, is likely to be approved shortly.

But the newspaper said some State Department officials want to delay approval because the rockets, while likely effective against hidden missile launchers, would also likely cause civilian casualties if used against targets in populated areas.

...

The shipment might be approved along with a directive to Israel that it must be especially careful about firing the rockets into populated areas, a senior official told the paper.



No News Today

…the first allegation of a threat of a potential attack in Britain at some unspecified point in the future, and suddenly we are encouraged to luxuriate in the fantasy prospect of annihilation ... The Blitzkrieg is upon Beirut, but we are supposed to imagine that little Nazis are flying over our heads


Channel 4 news last night was basically 50 minutes of Krishnan Guru Murphy standing in front of Heathrow pulling shit out of his arse, repeating over and over the scant details that we think we know, and going live to the C4 reporter waiting anxiously outside Scotland Yard every now and then in the hope that he might have even half a story yet, and what struck me about the whole affair was what a disgustingly privileged bunch of cunts we really are. "Luxuriate", says lenin, above, and that's exactly what's going on. We are positively wallowing in this shit. Isn't it all so fucking exciting?

Of course I realise that all of this sound and fury bullshit is intended to frighten me and my quaking bowels into crap-panted acquiescence, but honestly? I've never felt so fucking safe in my life. An entire programme dedicated to something that DID NOT EVEN ACTUALLY OCCUR is a fucking luxury indeed, available only to those who don’t have to wake up every day and deal with the rubble and ruined bodies of their friends and relatives. The two or so minutes of air-time they managed to find for images of smouldering Lebanon – no thrilling potential threats and close-shaves there, just actual daily death and destruction - only served to underline that fact.


Even terrorism of the unhyped variety isn’t a threat to us if we’re already good as dead.

Friday, August 04, 2006

Duty

Marthambles:

An unspecified illness, "known as the marthambles at sea and griping of the guts by land" [NC]. Patrick O?Brian is said to have seen the word on a pamphlet of the era by the quack doctor, Dr Tufts. It appears to be contagious and deadly to Pacific islanders.