Friday, April 28, 2006

Manifesto Destiny

Seems like every arsehole in the place is writing his own piece of shit manifesto these days, so I made one too.


Sign up in the comments, yiz cunts, otherwise I'll assume that you HATE HORSES.

Monday, April 24, 2006

This Is Pete Doherty


Pete Doherty is poop.

He's a grating, flaking, chafing, stain of cum piss pushing his way through the arse side of the pants that shield society's dicks and assholes.

His music sounds like the grotesque caterwaul of a cauldron of boiling apes.

His hair looks like a regurgitated breakfast of day-old coffee grounds and rope.

His face simpers like ours might had primates evolved into Mongoloids who learned how to snarl and smoke cigarettes.


His sentences pillow fight each other for the crown of most puerile.

This modern troubadour, as he is billed, eats away a little piece of my crotch every time he vomits a lyric. I only hope he lives a long, fruitless life in Cell Block D getting raped through the holes in his arms by murderers and tax evaders, alike, because the moment the drugs liberate us from him, though we will have won the drug war, the victory will be Pyrrhic. We need no more rock martyrs, least of all this dickshit.

Fuck forever? Fuck you, Pete Doherty. You're a big steaming pile.

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

The Ugliest Blogger on the Internets

Extract from Minutes of Departmental Meeting
19 April 2006


Snotty: Below is a picture of "j0nz", the guy in charge of all the crazy random font sizes at spoof Muslim-baiting website Drunken Blogging. He effortlessly lampoons the current trend in hysterical "Clash of Civilizations" arse-piss with fiendishly economical satire such as this:

"There's a lot of Toonophobia going around in the world at the moment, Toonophobes coming out of the woodwork everywhere. We must combat Toonophobia with all our might." [Emphasis his]




Snotty: Devastating stuff, eh? In three lines he makes you realise the fucking balls-aching stupidity of the entire "terrifying Muslim threat" cock-knockery.
Hugs: Uh, okay sure, but ... but, holy fucking fuck. His face is so big he has two dimples on each cheek.
Snotty: Yeah! And that little mouth with the cheeky little pursed-lipped smile. He looks like someone's just slipped a finger up his arsehole and he realises he’s enjoying it.
Hugs: "Carlsberg don’t do literacy tests, but if they did..."
Snotty: And he misspelled Carlsberg.
Hugs: Yeah, that's what I meant. You know what though? I appreciate that little beard that delineates where his face stops and where the rest of the planet starts. It’s very considerate.
Snotty: Makes him look like a sumo wrestler at a Craig David fan club convention, though.
Hugs: Or the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man in a Backstreet Boy costume.
Snotty: And who does he think he’s kidding, by the way, wearing that jumper? You wear a jumper with a design like that, you know people are gonna stare at your breasts. He’ll probably complain when somebody does, too. Bloody typical.
Hugs: I don’t know, man. Are you sure this guy is joking?
Snotty: Well, he’s fucking gotta be, right? Anybody that posts the lyrics of The Housemartins’ "Caravan of Love" under the heading "Most Poignant & Moving Song Ever?" is bound to be taking the fucking piss. Aren’t they? Huh?
Hugs: ...
Snotty: Ah shit.

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

Ridiculous Asshole News

Australian Creationist Hosts Genius Convention

Bishop Wayne Malcolm, leader of the Christian Life City church in Hackney, east London, disputes the scientific evidence for evolution. "There is clearly an absence in the fossil record for intermediate levels of development. If a frog turned into a monkey, shouldn't you have lots of fronkies?"

Well, it’s hard to argue with a quip like that, but I note it’s not a new one.
The Book of Genesis tells us that everything was created by God—nothing "evolved." Every creature was given the ability to reproduce after its own kind as is stated ten times in Genesis. Dogs do not produce cats. Neither do cats and dogs have a common ancestry. Dogs began as dogs and are still dogs. They vary in species from Chihuahuas to Saint Bernards, but you will not find a "dat" or a "cog" (part cat/dog) throughout God’s creation. Frogs don’t reproduce oysters, cows don’t have lambs, and pregnant pigs don’t give birth to rabbits. God made monkeys as monkeys, and man as man.

The Living Waters site features other killer arguments, which are apparently meant to be taken seriously. Like this:

The banana -- the atheist's nightmare

Note that the banana:

1. Is shaped for human hand
2. Has non-slip surface
3. Has outward indicators of inward content:
Green-too early,
Yellow-just right,
Black-too late.
4. Has a tab for removal of wrapper
5. Is perforated on wrapper
6. Bio-degradable wrapper
7. Is shaped for human mouth
8. Has a point at top for ease of entry
9. Is pleasing to taste buds
10. Is curved towards the face to make eating process easy

Christ!


EXTRA!

SUPER BONUS RIDICULOUS ASSHOLE UPDATE!



George W Bush gives us the skinny on presidentin':

"I hear the voices, and I read the front page, and I know the speculation. But I'm the decider, and I decide what is best"
Great stuff. Anybody wanna shop any more assholes?

Thursday, April 13, 2006

Profit & Loss


Monday, April 03, 2006

The Ideal Citizen Show