Monday, July 24, 2006

Drunken Blogging (Remix)

While waiting with great excitement for JOEL F KINNEY to deal most severely with my quivering ass, I decided to fill the ridiculous clown void by paying another visit to Drunken Blogging, home of chubby idiot j0nz and indispensable one-stop shop for those of us who like to know what's going on inside the tiny minds of all the slope-browed bigots that shuffle amongst us.

Unsurprisingly, there ain't much going on at all, if j0nz's latest is anything to go by.

Here, in attempting to deal with the complexities of the conflict in the Middle East, he reveals his method in admirably stark and honest terms: "I've been searching the net for hours for a good comment piece that reflects my feelings (I am woefully inarticulate and lack a public school education!)".

Translated from the arsehole-ese, this means: "Because I am basically a total raging moron, I have been hitting Google up for thoughts and opinions that I can cut and paste on to my blog as if they were my own". (And no, I've no idea why he thinks that articulacy is dependent on a public school education, either.)

The part about seeking an article that "reflects [his] feelings" is merely a neat update on the old playground ruse that goes "Wow! I was just about to say that myself", and the "feelings" that he's referring to are essentially just his prejudices and bigoted beliefs, although he would no doubt prefer us to believe that he is referring to his carefully considered philosophical musings. Just have another look at his fucking face again, and you should be disabused of that notion pretty goddamn sharpish.

Once he has found a suitable article (in this case, one that attempts to pre-emptively justify further civilian deaths not only in Lebanon, but also in Syria and Iran, through the "attacking targets of strategic value to Hezbollah which are located in non-Hezbollah areas") he then lifts it wholesale, without comment or criticism, and drops it like a hot turd right on the front of his blog. His only contribution is, quite unbelievably, to FUCKING COLOUR IT IN. If he could, he'd probably fill in the enclosed parts of the letters with a chewed up pencil, too, while desperately trying to conceal a spontaneous erection underneath the desk.

It also comes as no surprise that j0nz is so fucking stupid that he even needs his racism explained to him in pictorial form. He points to the following "diagram" in an effort to explain the staggering difference between Israeli and Lebanese casualties:

I'm not going to sit here and explain why this picture fucking sucks a bunch of cocks, but it's probably worth pointing out that it's not much use hiding behind a pram if your opponent is just going to bomb the shit out of everything in site anyway. Indeed, I might humbly suggest that the huge discrepancy in casualties maybe has a little bit more to do with, y'know, massive aerial bombardment by Israel of civilian areas in Lebanon than it has to do with any sneaky cartoon baby buggy hiding techniques. But what the fuck I do I know? Maybe I'll look for some guy on the internet who says something about this and borrow his shit, then you'll be sorry.

It's not all bad news, though. Maybe j0nz isn't such a lost cause after all - I'm thinking that the more altruistic among us might use his obvious preference for pretty pictures to try and communicate with him a little. By way of getting the ball-rolling, I thought I'd remix the right hand side of his picture to more accurately reflect the reality of the current situation.

See, it's all about talking to them on their level. And hey, j0nz? If this approach doesn't work I have a picture of my about-to-be-sued ass that you can print out and kiss.

Saturday, July 22, 2006

"I Am Not A Rube", Says Rube

Now in session: JOEL F KINNEY v MY ASS

JOEL F KINNEY is a grown man who spends a significant amount of his spare time pretending that he is fighting in the Vietnam war as 2nd Lieutenant of a made up platoon. Despite this, JOEL F KINNEY takes himself very fucking seriously indeed. In 2003, Rube Watch, the embryonic Department, posted an uncharacteristically restrained bit about the faintly disturbing practice of war re-enactment (which is essentially just like the children’s game of Cowboys & Indians, except with outwardly sane-looking human adults, real guns (or so I am reliably informed) and an absurdly inflated sense of self-importance) during which the rubism of one JOEL F KINNEY was briefly highlighted.

In keeping with his habit of fighting his battles many years after they have actually ended, JOEL F KINNEY has finally returned fire on the now defunct Rube Watch. He writes:

As humorous as your page may be, it is truly sad that you do not get the purpose of why many of us participate in War re-enacting. You actually have no right to make an educated judgement when you obviously have no expertise in the area and know NOTHING personally about myself or anyone associated with my organization. Although I am sure there are a few re-enactment groups that live out some sick fantasy, I assure you ours is not. Do not let your ignorance get in the way of enlightenment as there is a little truth in all things. You obviously have no clue what truth is or you would check yourself and shut your mouth. If you would actually take a second and read our mission statement, you would see that we are hardly Rubes. We wish to honor those who have not been honored. Our group does rifle firing details (that is a 21 gun salute for idiots like yourself) for the Vietnam Veteran's War Memorial every year. We would not do what we do if it were not for the support and endorsement of Vietnam Veterans themselves. The battle re-enactment is just a very small portion of what we do. We volunteer our time and services all the time for special events, parades and memorials. All of which is for free and without re-embursement of our time away from work and family. I ask you... when was the last time you took the time to give of yourself to something bigger than you, or are you too busy making fun of people who you know nothing about to make you feel better about your ugly face? You couldn't be farther off course. Our events are for our Fathers and brothers! One last thing, OUR GUNS AREN'T FAKE, THEY ARE REAL YOU IDIOT! I will give you one chance to remove my name from the site or I will sue your ass! I have several Vietnam War veteran friends who are attorneys who would love nothing more than to sue you for defamation of character just out of principle!

This is, of course, fucking great stuff. I would like to thank JOEL F KINNEY for brightening up my hangover by being such a giant polesmoker, but I am a little disappointed that Rube Watch’s first threatened defamation suit is for such a relatively tame piece. I mean, where is JOEL F KINNEY defamed in Slitzy’s post, really? Where’s the false statement about JOEL F KINNEY which causes him to suffer harm? That he’s an "asshole"? Is that it?

Well that's just an opinion, and one which I happen to share: I think that JOEL F KINNEY is a fucking asshole and pompous fool. So what? What harm have I caused JOEL F KINNEY to suffer? JOEL F KINNEY’s lawyer friends should probably tell him to stop going around making pathetic threats of lawsuits against stupid 3-year old blogposts, but then they are Vietnam war re-enactors too and therefore clearly a bunch of fucking idiots, so who knows kind of fucked up advice they are giving him. In any case, they are more than welcome to contact the Department’s lawyer, Professor Lovehandle, at deptofhatemail at gmail dot com.

Slitzy could have gone much further. For instance, I imagine that JOEL F KINNEY is the sort of man who, like our old buddy (and real marine) Partisan Pundit, doesn’t like to have his sexuality questioned. So Slitzy might have pointed out that any grown man who puts that many photos of himself looking like America's Next Top GI Model on the internets is clearly a giant homosexual. In fact, JOEL F KINNEY’s macho poses are merely a boner shot removed from those of original Military Stud Jeff Gannon (notwithstanding the fact that JOEL F KINNEY is, himself, a fucking boner). Both Jeff and JOEL F KINNEY are basically trying to get other men to look at them, because you can guarantee that no self-respecting woman is ever going to spend any amount of time looking at pictures of a bunch of po-faced clowns squatting in a forest pretending to listen out for imaginary gooks. In fact, just ask JOEL F KINNEY: "Our events are for our Fathers and brothers", he tells us proudly, just after admitting that he frequently gives of himself to something larger than him.

"JOEL F KINNEY is posing for the boys", Slitzy might have opined, but of course he did not. Neither did he point out the inherent gayness of a bunch of guys running around in the woods blowing the shit out of each other, but none of this would have amounted to a case for defamation anyway, so JOEL F KINNEY can basically stick his lawsuit up his fucking cunt.

Case dismissed.

UPDATE! Slitzy responds!