FYI

Further to the post below, I should probably point out that I had nothing whatsoever to do with this.

Personally, I suspect 'David Duff'.

The Gayest Blogger on the Internets

The furore over the Danish cartoons has, along with acres of bogus "Clash of Civlisations" editorials, occasionally resulted in some really interesting and inciteful pieces. Few of these managed to top the deep analysis and culturally sensitive musings of Partisan Pundit:

I find myself wondering what would happen if these riots caught hold here? I have this image of a Korean shopkeeper on the roof of his store with a bulletproof vest and a .308. Next door is a black guy who owns a barber shop wielding a Mossberg in one hand and a meat cleaver in the other. A pissed-off muslim rioter cocks back a molotav, and suddenly a large exit wound blossoms in the middle of his back, as the pungent smell of gunpowder residue fills the air. Three, four more fall, and suddenly, rioting in the streets loses its luster. Defending Mohammed's honor against a cartoonist's scribbles suddenly seems less important than avoiding a face full of double-ought buckshot. A rock flies through a display window, and almost like a ricochet, an angry retired fire-fighter comes flying back out swinging a Louisville Slugger like to put a smile on Babe Ruth's face.

Beautiful. Inspired by PP's mastery of the issues, I took a look around his website to see what other gems I could unearth. Here, I was heartened to find that he has dealt with similar issues previously, and with the same thoughtful, rational prose:

The Black Community's attempts to be viewed with any degree of compassion or intellectual equality on the national stage is certainly not in any measure enhanced by the repeated actions of select portions of its constituency wilding through middle-class businesses like a bunch of Somali thugs hyped up on kat, careening through neighborhood streets in the back of technicals.

Guys, my fellow Americans of color, a word of advice from whitey: If you want us to listen to you like rational human beings, STOP BURNING SHIT DOWN. Stop throwing off the oppressive yoke of civilization at every hint of social instability.

...


Here's a newsflash for the Rainbow Coalition: If you smash in MY storefront, you’ll get a 12-guage welcome. Not because I’m behaving like a racist, but because YOU are behaving like a raving lunatic.

But from whence springs forth this well of humanity, this spiritual yearning for a better life for those who are persecuted? What fuels this one-man quest for justice and truth for those who have laboured long in the darkness? More specifically, what's the fucking story with this asshole?

My first guess would be the bullying: "People that hijack websites ... are the same ones who, in high school or the frat in college, would offer you a drink of their soda, only to find out it was the can they were using for their tobacco spit, or maybe even filled with piss". Jesus, he drank a soda can full of piss, the poor bastard. That would tend to make anybody a fucking sociopath. The experience has evidently also completely destroyed any sense of perspective, as he continues: "Ambush sites are terrorism, plain and simple. Maybe planes don't crash and burn, maybe buildings don't collapse, but the intent in the heart of the cyberterrorist is the same as any jihadist".

Are you listening to this, Mr Bush? After you are finished with al-Qaeda, PLEASE MAKE IT SO I DO NOT GET POP-UPS.

My second guess would definitely be the barely repressed homosexuality and attendant self-loathing. Partisan Pundit's writings are strongly obsessed with male sexual relationships, and he cannot decide whether he is as disgusted as The Party tells him to be or all warm and fuzzy in the crotch. In the tight-arsed and ridiculously homophobic world of right-wing bloggery this tends to result in a lot of dumb macho image reinforcement. To demonstrate, let's take a look at some of his other websites - see here, in a post in support of handbags for men, as PP wrestles with the issues:

Men need a bag, but a Manly Bag. Call it a tote. No, wait, I have it: men need a satchel. Satchels are not gay. Satchels are manly. John Wayne himself threw uncountable numbers of satchel charges into uncountable numbers of enemy pillboxes, usually doing so under a hail of murderous gunfire.

Quintessential manliness.

Even the WORD "purse" is inherently unmanly; you almost feel the need to lisp just saying it. "Satchel," on the other hand, is a virile, rugged, squinty-eyed-from-staring-into-the-desert-sun-for-too-long, fist-clenching, teeth-grittin', tear-off-a chunk-of-raw-meat-from-the-carcass-of-the-vicious-carnivore-you-just-killed-with-yer-bare-freakin'-HANDS kind of word. No lisping involved whatsoever.

Gosh. I'm getting a little hot under the collar imagining the tanned, rippling torso of rugged manly manliness conjured up by PP in this deeply erotic passage. I imagine him wearing naught but a pair of ripped jean shorts and white socks, clutching his macho manly man-satchel to his smooth, hairless chest.

Blowing my thesis out of the water, though, the same blog also features a post titled "Guys I'd Probably Like To Do If I Were Gay, Which I'm Not", a lengthy tribute to the mannish man-osity of Matthew McConaughey during which we discover that PP is definitely not gay, because he goes out of his way to tell us so, many times: "And that accent, I'm telling ya, if I was gay (which I'm not) that rolling, laid-back drawl of his would get me all a twitter. In theory, of course". Not gay, then. Got it.

PP has a third website, Don't Get Stuck On Stupid, the main page of which features the following heartbreaking farewell:

I saw myself as something of a crusader, trying to change people's minds by showing them the truth, as well as I was able. But you know what I realized? A great many people aren't interested in the truth. Changing minds is difficult when emotion is so wrapped up in a worldview that reason can't penetrate the folds.

To which he then adds, helpfully: "I'm sure I suffer to some degree from this problem, but hey". Here's some of PP's crusading truthful manliness, penetrating the folds and further establishing his unassailable lady-lovin' credentials:

Getting the icky willies at the thought of two hairy men going to town on each other's exit onlys, or getting queasy at the site of two guys playing tonsil hockey on a public park bench doesn't make me intolerant or homophobic.

It makes me heterosexual.

This is a firm admission that he is entirely adjusted to the fact that something "icky" happens to his willy whenever he kicks back and thinks about two hirsute men making sweet love to eachother. This is a sure sign of someone who is comfortable with his sexuality, and I whole heartedly apologise for ever having suggested that PP is anything other than a handbag-sporting macho racist arsehole with a soft spot for Matthew McConaughey's delectable accent.

To make it up to Partisan P for the entire tone of this post, I'll happily point out his keen scientific mind (whose ID-Evolution pieces are a veritable Algonquin round-table in the comments and feature such fiendish arguments as linking to a picture of a bacterial flagellum and saying "I mean seriously, come ON people").

Brains and brawn - quite the catch, eh ladies? Too bad he's, uh, married. What? What did you think I was going to say?

Oh, shame on you.

UPDATE: PP's obsessive internal struggle continues, as he battles to categorise everything in his life as either "gay" or "manly", as if he isn't a textbook example of the two co-existing relatively comfortably. On the "gay" list we have old favourites like "open-toed sandals", "frappucinos" and, of course, "anal sex" (apparently all anal sex is gay now), but there are a few new additions: base jumping is gay now, along with loofas and placemats. Oh, and lip balm is gay, but only if flavoured.

"Manly" stuff includes fixing the lawnmower, scratching in public and stupid bullshit like that, but because PP is over-compensating wildly we also get stuff like "claymores" and "concealed-carry". How gay do you gotta be that you need fucking weapons to reinforce your rapidly dispersing heterosexual smokescreen? Just suck a cock already, dude! It's cool, nobody gives a shit.

Let's end with a competition. See if you can guess which categories PP sorts the following into:

A. "Smashing that big freakin' spider"
B. "Cleaving Orcs in twain"

Yes that's right, both are, apparently, manly activities. Now, I'm not into this "gay/manly" game, but if I was (which I'm not), then statements about Orcs, in ye olde nerde speake, would definitely be in the GAY category. Really though, who could stand to live their life like this, constantly worrying about the gayness or otherwise of one's actions and possessions? Something's gotta give - watch this space!

Glorifying Terrorism: Lesson Two

Last time, we covered how to Glorify Terrorism with an indelible marker and a big piece of paper. Scary paper. Let's spice it up a notch.

EXHIBIT A:

We only have the Rebel's word for it that they're the good guys and the Empire are the bad guys. Even the least cynical can see that they might just have a vested interest in portraying themselves as heroic underdogs, fighting for freedom and apple pie. There are, however, enough publications for us to examine the evidence for ourselves. In order to maintain the necessary objectivity, the self-styled "Rebel Alliance" will be referred to as "the Terrorists".

...

It is common knowledge that Solo was up to his cute smile in debt to a particularly sadistic crimelord [1]. What is less well known is why. This information was revealed in a recent document [8]. He had in fact been smuggling a drug used as a particularly revolting truth drug manufactured in a particularly revolting manner. Let's get this straight. He was smuggling a cargo which he knew would be used for torture by a noted sadist, and was forced to dump it when challenged by Customs. This is one of the "heroes" of the terrorists. I believe the term "hero" is better used for the customs officers who, at the cost of their own lives, forced Solo to abandon the cargo so that it could do no further harm.

Later, after he had been completely corrupted by the terrorists, Skywalker attempted to recruit this same sadistic criminal (Jabba) [3].

Extra credit:

Surfing the internet, I came across an interesting article entitled "Eternal Jihad: The Way of the Mystic-Warrior" from a Sufi website:

"We are at the core a Movement of Jeddi; masters of Futuwwat ("the Way of the mystic-warrior"). We encourage adherents to train both physically AND spiritually, for their own personal edification and to enhance their knowledge and abilities in the STRUGGLE.

...

Notice the Arabic term "al-Jeddi" (master of the mystic-warrior way) along with another Islamic term not mentioned, "Palawan" (similar to Lucas' "Padwan" for Jedi apprentice) which were actual titles used by Muslim Knights!

EXHIBIT B:

They were proud desert warriors, poor but God-fearing -- occupied and exploited by heathen armies and foreign cartels for the fuel beneath their sand.  Too weak to attack their enemies' high-tech military head on, they resisted through surprise raids and bombings.  The imperialist oppressors called them savages -- even terrorists -- but they knew themselves to be freedom-fighters.  And that one day God would send a messiah to unite their tribes and lead them in jihad.

No, not Osama bin Laden.  Not any current Arab leader.  And not even Lawrence of Arabia.

I'm talking about Muad'Dib, the messiah in Frank Herbert's epic sci-fi novel, Dune (1965).  It is Maud'Dib who leads the Fremen tribes in jihad against a spice-hungry Empire.  Spice is the fuel of the Empire.  Without spice, interstellar travel -- and trade -- is impossible.  Without spice, the galactic economy will collapse.

"The spice must flow!" is the cry repeated throughout this tale.  Along with, "The one who controls the spice, controls the universe!"  And in all the galaxy, there is only one spice source -- the desert wasteland planet named Dune.

Maud'Dib defeats the Empire by taking the spice source hostage, and threatening to blow it up, which would plunge all civilization into a new dark age.  Talk about terrorism!  (Anyone recall Hussein's threat to blow up the Kuwaiti oil fields?)

Oh yes, Dune has all the parallels.  The hero even uses the J-word -- jihad.  Of course, critics have long recognized that Dune was inspired by Islam, and that Herbert modeled Maud'Dib on Mohammed.

NEXT LESSON:

Good Dick Hunting

BREAKING NEWS:

A man has shot his friend in the face with a shotgun. The friend is now recovering following the shooting and a subsequent heart attack. It appears the shooter kept quiet about the shooting for a full day to allow himself to recover from the "Worst day of his life". Thankfully, the shooter is now recovering after confessing his sins to the public. No criminal charges will be sought.

I wonder how the friend's day was?

UPDATE! Take the poll at Chase Me Ladies...

Freedom Of Speech In Your Hole

Tony Fucking Blair:

Tony Blair's controversial plan for a new law to stop people "glorifying" terrorism has been backed by MPs.

The prime minister said the law would allow action to be taken against people with placards glorifying the 7 July bombers - which were seen in London during protests against cartoons satirising the Prophet Muhammad.

Placards. Fucking placards. Lordy, what brave defenders of our Western enlightenment values we’ve turned out to be. Let’s recap: gratuitously insulting and provocative cartoons characterizing Muslims as a pack of shifty, swarthy suicide bombers are published by a right-wing Danish newspaper, very possibly in cahoots with notorious racist neo-con asshole Daniel Pipes, generally adding insult to injury for a community of people being shit on from all angles. The reasonable complaints of Muslim leaders are ignored and dismissed for months while the offending cartoons are reprinted all over the fucking planet. A spate of tiny protests, some of which turn ugly, and every shitheel with a voicebox takes a break from yoo-hooing the PATRIOT Act or chuckling about Cindy Sheehan being manhandled over a fucking T-Shirt and instead gets all watery-eyed about his precious freedoms all of a fucking sudden. All of this despite the fact that not once in the whole case did anyone ever threaten censorship; despite the fact the cartoons in question have been more widely distributed than Charlie Sheen’s STDs and have been seen by nearly every PC-owning cunt on the fucking globe. We will never sacrifice our freedom of speech! We shall not relinquish the right to offend!

But oh, lord save us from the big scary fucking placards. Bunch of fucking pussies. If these guys with their new-found freedom-boners have any stones at all there’ll be a spate of sympathy placard posting all over the blog-o-place within hours, just like there was with the fucking stupid cartoons. After all, doesn’t that freedom extend to speech that one finds objectionable? Isn’t that what you all have been gasbagging about all fucking fortnight?

Man, I just saw the fucking megalomaniac on the TV just now, rictus grin in place. The new laws will send a message to those who wave big scary fucking placards all over the place, says Tony, and at this point I swear I heard a pause, a brief acknowledgement of the soupy irony of his next words. "We have free speech in this country", he says, "but don’t abuse it." Well I guess that's sound advice.

Free press? How come we hear so little from the same free press about European governments helping the US ferry people - on no fewer than 800 flights over four years, according to Amnesty International - to be tortured in places where it is legal to do so? How is it that nobody in the European free press is talking much about the fact that Iran stopped any further discussion of its nuclear program because the three EU leaders who were parleying with them reneged on their side of the bargain, by not ensuring Iran security in the event of a foreign invasion?

We hear nothing from the free press about the fact that the success of Hamas in the recent elections may have more to do with its schools and health clinics for beleaguered Palestinian communities (while the generous "international community" has abandoned them) than with its purported Islamic fundamentalism.

The "free" media in the West do not bother to investigate the events of September 11, 2001, or allegations that the Central Intelligence Agency itself may have been involved in the Bali bombings of 2002. It does not make any demands of the Bush administration to release the more than 1,700 pictures and videos of tortures and humiliations at Abu Ghraib and Guantanamo that the Pentagon has kept away from the public eye.

We have to hear from bloggers on the Internet about the US forces in Iraq kidnapping women and girls related to suspected insurgents. Needless to mention, no dead American soldiers are shown on the TV screens of the Western media (though there is no bar on showing those killed by suicide bombers in Baghdad). How often is it remembered, not to speak of responsibility taken for the fact, that genocidal UN sanctions prosecuted by the West killed more than a million innocent people in Iraq in the 1990s? The free media in the West keep secret from the public the fact that the US has for years given asylum to proven terrorists such as Orlando Bosch and Luis Posada, wanted by Latin American governments for blowing up planes and suchlike. They are exempt from the "war on terror".

Above all, the media do little to ask for the impeachment of the consummate liars and mass-murderers who occupy elected positions in more than one Western democracy today, even as they pretend to teach lessons in political morals to less fortunate countries.

Free press? Or cowardly media eager to please the wealthy masters?

If any of you chest-beating chunderheads really give a shit about your freedoms, I reckon now would be the time to start making a proper fucking fuss.

Two Wrongs

In a truly courageous act of bridge-building in the face of rising world tensions over the Danish cartoons, the BBC has taken it upon itself to equal things up a bit, by gamely attempting to piss off some Christians too. At least, that's the only sane explanation behind the recent announcement of this astonishing pile of shite.

The BBC plans to mark the crucifixion and resurrection of Christ this Easter with an hour-long live procession through the streets of Manchester featuring pop stars from The Stone Roses and Happy Mondays and featuring songs by The Smiths and New Order.

In the programme, called Manchester Passion, a character representing Jesus will sing the legendary Joy Division anthem Love Will Tear Us Apart before dueting his arch-betrayer Judas on the New Order hit Blue Monday, according to senior church sources involved in the production.

In retrospect, it was only really a matter of time: many noted social commentators have, in the past, pointed out the almost uncanny similarities between the crucifixion, death and eventual ascent into heaven of the Son of God in early Judean times, and the 'Madchester' music scene, circa 1990.

'People often think of Jesus as just being all about the sandals and shit,' said a BBC spokesperson. 'But in many ways, he was the Shaun Ryder or Busta Rhymes of his day. After all, Jesus had long hair, outspoken views and a gang of rowdy mates. So did the Happy Mondays.'

But aren't they worried people will be offended by the choice of songs?'

'It's uncanny how easily some of these songs fit,' replied the BBC. 'Especially if you tweak the lyrics a bit. We're hoping to include the Arctic Monkeys 'I bet that you look good on a two-by-four' for the actual crucifixion scene.'

And what of rumours that if the show is a success, further biblical epics could be produced in a similar vein? 'Absolutely,' confirmed the BBC spokesperson, 'This thing could run and run. We've already got plans for a hip-hop Moses called, 'It Takes A Nation Of Egyptians (To Hold Us Back)'.

UPDATE: infinite muppets ups the pun stakes something fierce. But um, the Department still has the purty pictures...

Time For Your Two Minute Hate

Wooooooo! OH NO!

OCEANIA IS AT WAR WITH EURASIA. OCEANIA HAS ALWAYS BEEN AT WAR etc.

Of course, as enlightened readers are no doubt aware, the hyped-up scare-fest above is merely cover for the antics of the real villains. You know who I'm talking about:

This Much I Know: Mick Hucknall is the World's Biggest Penis

I am one of the best singer-songwriters this country has produced. Ever. If people don't like me saying that, tough shit. People should deal with facts.

Tom Jones told me only a few singers have got the pipes and he's right. He has. Sinatra did. I have. I can still hit the high notes from when we started in 1985, but I've got the bass now, too.

A mate of mine had this band once, and they were looking for singers. I got to drunkenly interview this one candidate, a real turd. I asked him: "What notes can you hit?" He said: "I can do the high 'galileos' and the low 'galileos'".

I never figured out what the school bullies meant when they called me 'Puppet head'. People are racist about redheads in a way they'd never dare to be about black or Asian people.

Yes, that's right. They can burn 'em, lynch 'em and enslave 'em all they want, but they'd never dare call a black guy a "Puppet head". That's crossing the fucking line.

I've loved being a bachelor. They threw me in the candy store and I ate the lot! If I go out and get drunk and end up in bed with two women what's wrong with that? I had a great time. If they want to tell their story that's their problem. They're the ones who end up looking like cheap whores on the front of a magazine with their tits hanging out.

Naming alleged rapists is appalling. I've been through it. Even if you're found completely innocent it's on the internet for the rest of your life. You're almost guilty by implication.

Tony Blair's a friend. I've said to him, 'You should have waited on Iraq'. He listens.

I want children. I think it'll happen. I've had a bit of a journey in my life and I'd like to think I can pass some good on.

Jesus. What a fucking rapist.